I ain't stupid, you ain't stupid and Roger is certainly not stupid. Roger knew that you can't eat toasted golf balls and that cooked balls on the golf course are a no-no.
But it was the open day for the local home for wasted children; and The Nice Young Lady had persuaded Roger to do something for the children.
The children, aged five, six and seven, were sitting on benches. Sad thought Roger, they look as if no one had said a kind word to them, ever. Sad is a very short word, but it was the right word.
But Roger 'ad his funny 'at on, a big sack of old golf balls and a toaster, a metal one, strapped to his chest.
Roger stood in front of the children and said loudly, Good mornink! Good mornink! Every time he said nink, Roger bashed the metal toaster. He bowed and raised his 'at, his funny 'at. Out of the 'at fell three golf balls that landed bonk! bonk! bonk! on his head.
The children laughed and shouted, Good mornink! Good mornink! Every time they said nink, Roger bashed the metal toaster.
What can you do with golf balls? Roger asked. A small squeaky voice in the front row said, play golf!
Look what you can do with balls! Golf balls! shouted Roger and pulled three golf balls out of his sack and began to juggle with them. This was not so difficult; Roger had been practising. Two more makes five, and two makes seven in the air.
Roger took three more, by mistake, that made ten – an even number. All the balls fell down.
Oh! I've lost all my balls! Golf balls! The children laughed. Even the adults laughed. Roger was so funny.
Oh! But I've got some more golf balls! And a toaster! What can you do with a toaster? Roger asked, holding the toaster up high. A small squeaky voice in the front row said, toast bread!
The Nice Young Lady put a small table in front of Roger, who put the toaster on it.
Oh! Where can I plug the toaster in? asked Roger and tried to push the plug of the toaster into the ear of The Nice Young Lady. No! Much laughter.
Roger tried to push the plug of the toaster into the mouth of The Nice Young Lady. No! Much laughter. Roger tried to push the plug of the toaster into her cleavage. No! Much more laughter.
Roger put the plug of the toaster into the pocket of The Nice Young Lady. A round of applause for The Nice Young Lady!
I'm going to toast my golf balls! shouted Roger with much glee. Have you tasted toasted golf balls before?
NO! cried the children.
Right then! I'll just put my balls into the toaster and...
Now that's funny! They don't go in. The balls are too big or the toaster is too small. Where's me 'ammer? I've got a big 'ammer somewhere. Where is it?
Roger looked on the table and under the table. Roger could not see the hammer. Roger turned around to look behind. All the children could see the hammer – it was on his back.
The 'ammer is behind you! they all shouted.
Roger turned around, again and again. I can't see it. Where's my 'ammer? It ain't behind me. I've looked. It's not there!
Oh, yes, it is! shouted the children.
Roger turned, no hammer, Oh, no, it isn't.
Oh, yes, it is! shouted the children, it's on your back!
Roger found the hammer, why didn't you say where the 'ammer was?
Oh, yes, we did! shouted the children.
Roger banged the golf balls into the toaster. He cried with pain. Had he hit his fingers with the hammer? Why did he not hit his balls, golf balls?
The children laughed – they had to.
Roger pushed the lever down on the toaster and said, I'm toasting! I'm toasting! I always sing a little song when I'm toasting.
Sing when you're toasting! Dance when you're toasting! A little time for the toasting! Wait for the ting-a-ling!
Roger sang and danced to the song and the children sang the song too.
Roger pulled a bell from the other pocket of The Nice Young Lady and ting-a-ling!
Oh! The golf balls must be ready now! cried Roger and looked in the toaster. Nothing! No balls, no golf balls!
Roger lifted up the toaster and looked through it – it was empty.
Look on the table! screamed the kids. Look on the table!
On the table was a pile of very white balls. Roger picked up the plate and gave each of the children a hard-boiled egg. The adults all applauded – Roger had turned old golf balls into hard-boiled eggs with his magic toaster.
Roger bowed to the children and raised his 'at, his funny 'at. Out of the 'at fell three golf balls that landed bonk! bonk! bonk! on his head.
The children clapped and shouted.
Roger took the hand of The Nice Young Lady and they bowed to the children.
The children clapped and shouted.
A little voice, maybe The Nice Young Lady, told Roger, you have made them happy.