bits and pieces, miscellaneous, excerpts, odds and ends, pictures, jumble, all sorts, scraps, jokes, this and that, odds and sods, words, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, tips, junk, recipes, misc, stories at random and COLLECTIONS
ACHTUNG! Humor
wird hier verwendet!!!
He threatened her with a broken biscuit.
Pretend you're human!
He took the soft belts from two bath robes and tied them together.
One more knot to keep him tied to Mary all night long.
Schluckecho
lametta <> lamentation <> lamination
Kick over the traces!
The Spree flows north through Berlin.
The Androscoggin flows south through Berlin.
Klackity-klack!
Klackity-klack macht die Analysemaschine.
The Thames flows south west through London, Ontario.
The Liffey flows east through Dublin.
Your philtrum is your love charm to be found on your upper lip.
There are now over 1200 pieces of content on this website, over 1000 stories.
Try to be kind!
Boo Hoo Loops and the Quokkas
My forearm is covered in orange and purple splodges.
If it's yellow
Let it mellow.
If it's brown
Flush it down.
What’s the difference between an A&E patient and a doctor?
The patient gets to go home in the evening.
Mr Escutcheon Plate was just a plastic moulding.
“You are the best that has ever happened to me since I was born. It's no joke, it's true. I cannot let you go, I will never let you go. You cannot leave me. I cannot leave you. You are crying, I can hear that, but I do not know why you are crying. Are you afraid? Do you hate me? Are you in pain? Emotional overload?”
Reading Story Kettle stories will not make you pregnant, even if you are a man.
You're just a plastic moulding.
Have you oiled your parbs?
like throwing a parrot under the umbrella
He is a misopedist. In 2023, he made headlines again for ordering that murals of cartoon characters at a reception centre for child asylum seekers in Dover be painted over.
What is the favourite Christmas wine?
I don't like Brussels sprouts!
gibble, gabble, gobble
A charley horse is not a butcher's hook.
She was not bald, she had a bunch of bananas on her head.
I need new feet.
Otherwise I will overheat!
Go to the back lane and see if the detergent bottle can be seen through the kitchen window.
If you walk all round a great circle you will be back where you started.
Mi placa de escudo era un rociador.
I want to baste you with molten steel.
There is a difference in the 2nd person:
the reflexive pronouns are different.
I don't drink alcohol; but you are here. Open that bottle!
The ball bearings in my brain rolled into the right holes and everything was much clearer.
I took a deep breath and gained five years in age – the remains of my childhood that I was hanging on to with my little finger fell from my grasp.
I got taken to the local cinema.
Was it an old gangster film black and white?
We sat too close to the front.
I shouted "Mr Keys" all the time back home.
Was it "A Man Betrayed (1936)"?
ltr is not boustrophedon
I listened to Leoš Janáček – Sinfonietta op. 60
and Frank Zappa – Peaches in Regalia.
Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
You are not of a monocoque construction.
I went to sea in a pea green boat.
I went to see where the bananas bloom.
Do not eat pink ladies!
“I have hurt you. I did not want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you, ever. I shouted at you. I told you to shut up. That was wrong of me, I'm sorry. I grabbed you, that was wrong too. Please forgive me.” I chewed her earlobe gently.
Move all transition levers to full.
She leaned over the armrest and enriched the flower bed.
Just read it, Baby!
Mud, mud, glorious mud!
There is a certain degree of sweetness about you.
Are your headphones screwed on or nailed on?
There is much strort in the world.
I'll tinkle on your clavicle!
Horses don't have clavicles.
It is not standard procedure to measure ice cream in cubic miles.
I had two friends who were expecting a baby,
their family name was Dartwell
and their baby boy needed a name.
I suggested Adolf –
when he grew up he could start a shoe company with the name Adidart.
They were not amused.
The ball bearings in my brain rolled into the righthand holes and everything was much clearer.
And now for the hard bit. She and I are lovers. Since almost two years. It's very good. You ask, how can I share her with you. Oh, that's easy, very easy. I know that she is very big, she's a big person. I have known for months that I would have to share her with someone else. I am so happy that it's you.
I don't need a wobbulator.
There was a pub in the Rotebühlstraße in Stuttgart that served Kölsch. Small glasses, pale colour, drink quickly, next glass of beer is waiting. I took my nephew to the Saturday morning Golden Oldies and Revived 45s disco at the pub; how we got home I don't know.
Have you got a plywood bottom?
Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! I do like you.
The Thames flows east through London.
The Limerick doesn't flow east through Dublin.
Mother said I should always be a good girl.
Was I?
Your left foot is full of bullets.
Every time they enter harbour they throw Anke into the water.
I usually start by soaping her from the neck down and then cleaning every part with a wire brush.
25 is an downside up red wine glass.
His name was Theo Dolight.
I enjoyed both of her, it was even more fun. However the next week she was not to be found anywhere. A week later she was there again, just a timing problem. I asked if I would see three or four of her in the next week. She told me to shut my mouth. Listen, she said, it's embarrassing for me, not getting it right without you making jokes about it. Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't shout at you like that. And she hugged me.
Six months later, my father mistook his hearing aid for a cashew nut and ate it.
ten to two and ten past ten
P or PVC
“I will feel your lips on my lips. I love you so much. There, I've said it. How do I know that I love you? I just do. Do you love me, I think you do. I want you, I need you, I want all of you. I've said that too. Do I want too much? Yes, I want all of you. You feel so good in my arms. You are still sobbing.”
He was full of copper sulphate and burnt with a green flame.
Are you iridescent or do you just glow in the dark?
Are you iridescent or do you just glow in the dark?
No! Just incandescent.
Are you an irredentist?
Nah, just iridescent.
Your teeth are fluorescent.
Are you an irredentist?
Nah, he just pulls out teeth.
It is saddening to aim low and still miss.
Complete the effect by putting your other foot in your other mouth!
There is a big hole in your face just above your nose if you stand on your head.
I can stand on your head for you.
You are plantigrade.
He took a big can of SPAM and a jar of PICCALILLI and a spoon; and he was happy.
Sometimes I find strange notes that someone has written – it's my handwriting. Did I scribble it down middle of the night? What does it mean? Was it 'spose to mean something? Who knows – not I.
pig in the moon, all rocks, no pig substance
Put yer foot in yer booty!
I've seen a bass drum struck with a heavy booted foot,
but never a trombone.
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
We’ll all have tea.
Sukey take it off again,
Sukey take it off again,
Sukey take it off again,
They’ve all gone away.
You are the Sweetest One of All.
They called me Crackers, she too.
She looked younger than me.
So how come she was at my birth and I wasn't?
You can look at the moon all night long.
But you can't look at the sun at all.
What's that big hole in your face just below your nose?
She sat on his lap
He kissed her lips
Both needed it soft
They were happy ever after
SURGES into spotlight
I will think about that one again.
The flowerpot is where his head should have been.
Get your mandibles into those ferocious cheese slices!
Wring your door with a campanologist.
catching eels with a horse's head
I would like to marry her, but that is not possible. She is extremely strong and very independent, but not self-centred, she is always willing to help people of good heart. She has a strong sense of good and evil, she has rid our town of all the evil people, it was not very pretty. I wash the blood out of her clothes – she is always good to me.
I need trepanning like I need a hole in my head.
People always forget their front bogies.
death in Bagshot and life in Frimley
It was -5°C That is minus five degrees.
I hadn't used the car for four weeks over Xmas.
The battery was not new, the car 23 years old.
And it started first time.
ITI SAPIS SPOTANDA TINO NE
Yarmouth, Exmouth, Bournemouth, Dartmouth, Weymouth, Portsmouth, Charmouth, Sidmouth, Teignmouth, East Portlemouth, West Portlemouth, Falmouth, Avonmouth, Tynemouth, Great Yarmouth, Grangemouth, Barmouth, Cockermouth, Monkwearmouth
| This little piggy went to market, | Wiggle the big toe |
| This little piggy stayed at home, | Wiggle the long toe |
| This little piggy had roast beef, | Wiggle the middle toe |
| This little piggy had none, | Wiggle the ring toe |
| And this little piggy cried "Wee! Wee! Wee!" all the way home. | Tickle the little toe, the underside of the foot, up the leg, body and armpit |
It was traditional, a dark Father Xmas. He pushed it into his behind, he felt the warmth of the melting chocolate, he felt better, everything better.
I like nice surprises.
The man who used handcreme.
favourite links at links 1 and links 2 and links 3 and links 4 and links 5 and links 6 and links 7 and links 8
Being in hospital is a good way of catching something nasty.
Headland stories and
Ireotic stories
But I have recently added new stories to
Amy
and
bulges
and
dotty
and
quaint
Be aware that most of my mistakes are intended!
Mr Cruickshank
Don't be mawkish!
You are my little flower.
We've lived together for over four years, our relationship is very deep and we are very close. I'm a social worker and 27. My girlfriend is blond and very pretty; she is very small, she looks like a thirteen-year-old, although she is older than me. She cannot hear and does not speak or read or write; we have our own ways of communicating. She is heavily into dancing and killing people.
Nurse stories, children's stories written for adults, sweet little 13, but without much treacle, but with much bottom
No prawns before Xmas!
Forty Thousand Headmen
“I am too violent. I shoved my arm deep into you and grabbed your heart and squeezed it – I want all of your love. Please forgive me – I want so much of you, all of you. I can feel your love. Please give it to me, all of it. I hold you so very tight.”
lashings of hot water
roman standard creeper number four
It's an R and it's a J and it's Roger!
Eat a pineapple with your bare hands.
What happened to Oily Tate?
I was chased by a gang of violent soldering irons.
He flipped all the sixteen switches up "All Foxes!"
Santa Inés is in Solvang.
Your name is Shining Light? Oh! No, no! My name is Helen.
He thought that there and then was not here and now.
Vocem iucunditatis/Rogate — 5. Sonntag nach Ostern oder 6. Sonntag der Osterzeit
I 'specially liked hitting the Vicar.
Treysa, Wasenberg, Willingshausen, Fischbach, Reibertenrod, Alsfeld
She does the ironing.
1966 Easter in Paris
Two drunk girls leaning on each other
Bang! Stram! Bamm!
Two girls flat on the ground
The bottom of the hour is upside down on Roman clocks.
It was music which grabbed your heart from behind and wrenched it this way and that way and some other way.
Plantigrade locomotion means walking with the toes and metatarsals flat on the ground.
The girl in white and dotty stories and vertex stories and the Sandhurst sequence and Amy stories and don't forget 9gals!
You say "You are what you eat".
I dispute this.
I have eaten cow.
Am I now a cow?
Do I look like a cow?
What’s the difference between a Golf GTI and a hedgehog?
The pricks are on the outside of a hedgehog.
Your name is Shining Light? Oh! No! My name is Helen.
What’s the difference between in‑laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Burton Rascoe: What no wife of a writer can ever understand...is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
What you want to be is to be in love with me.
Merlot — mild red wine from Beaujolais
Morio-Muskat — blended white wine from Rheinhessen
Reginald Dixon MBE Live from Blackpool Tower Ballroom
How is marriage like a deck of playing cards?
It starts with two hearts and a diamond, and ends with a club and a spade.
Bardolino, Valpolicella, Chianti, Bordeaux, Beaujolais, Merlot
He pushed up all sixteen keys and exclaimed:
All Foxes!
I always say that I like my tail; I can wear it with different lengths; it's a nice brown colour; it suits me.
Longkamp, Wederath, Hochscheid, Oberkleinich, Hirschfeld, Büchenbeuren, Hahn
You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Didgeridoo playing has been shown to reduce snoring.
Washerwoman? Yes, that's what I want to do: Wash a woman!
Seriously, it's not worth letting people like your parents live rent-free in your head.
Even dwarfs start small.
Inês De Castro: The macabre tale of the 'skeleton queen'
The Centennial State is technically a hexahectaenneacontakaiheptagon.
“Since when do you carry a loaded gun?”
“Since I woke up next to a guy with a bullet hole in his forehead.”
“You killed that guy in the street, didn't you?
How many people have you killed this week?”
“Two or three. In self defence of course.”
The bottom of the hour is upside down on Roman-faced clocks.
A right-pointing arrowhead appears at the bottom right of most stories on this website. Click or tap on it for the next story or next part of a longer story.
The clock showed all threes, I lay in bed thinking about you.
Just about everything here is ltr.
Don't eat omelette with your fingers!
non torsii subligarium
We called him Silver Sleeves,
because he didn't use handkerchiefs.
Was it Hamlet or was it Macbeth who poured poison into the king's ear?
No, it was Ben who abused Little Weed.
I sing “I’m granny the tugboat girl!”
Women have a great advantage:
Women have a waist so that their trousers don't fall down.
If you take a door off its hinges, it is unhinged,
like some people you know.
Being chased off the pitch is worse than being beaten on the pitch.
hot cross buns
and
hot cross buns
Schlamersdorf, Nütschau, Glinde, Grabau, Tönningstedt, Borstel, Oering, Sievershütten, Kattendorf, Oersdorf, Kaltenkirchen
If you have two mouths can you eat twice as fast?
He was so fat that his belly button poked out his T-shirt.
Boris went to Moscow to have a mendacity slam with Vlad.
Private Dancer – Tina Turner
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money.
Just a Gigolo – Louis Armstrong
Paid for every dance, selling each romance.
It was music which grabbed your heart from behind and wrenched it this way and that way and somewhere else.
Primrose Hill was built from the excavation of the Regent’s Canal.
The surface area of your gut is about half the size of a badminton court.
We kept the two boys tied together until they were happy.
Three more D-words: dither, dawdle and delay!
Did your mother sing to you when you were very young? A lullaby to send you to sleep? I remember fragments of those songs and have been able to find... Continue reading...
Using tools is a sign of intelligence.
Making tools and using them is a sign of more intelligence.
My name is Kordoski.
Dance Milady!
Dance my Pretty Man!
Beryl Edge is not bevel edged.
She's the cat's mother.
Who's "she"? The cat's mother!
Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute,
for they shall be known as Dentists.
I usually start by soaping everything from the neck down and then washing every part with a face flannel or a sponge. Some parts need only the hands, some parts must be washed multiple times. The head and the hair can be quite complicated.
Pole Cutter and Trim.
Have you been to Thursdale?
Are you so dim that your parents never called you "son"?
Mrs Tinge stories at fit Miss Tee Vee and Mrs Tinge gets it and Mrs Tinge stops and the Carnival Sequence
Headland stories and
Ireotic stories
But I have recently added new stories to
Amy
and
bulges
and
dotty
and
quaint.
My offcuts are a large and growing collection of jokes, sayings, odd stuff, very short stories and miscellaneous junk.
The junk stuff I'ved thrown to the bottom of this page.
Spin my melon!
Lots of Betty stories at Betty and the Carnival Sequence and Betty on the rampage and Betty on tour and the cat.
If you have a daughter,
cover her with water.
My Tourette's syndrome came back, words that were not true, words that were hateful, words that were terribly wrong, words that came from goodness knows where.
Don't use brown toilet paper.
bits and pieces, miscellaneous, excerpts, odds and ends, pictures, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, words, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, tips, recipes, stories at random and COLLECTIONS
She won't spin at night.
I left my legs behind in Dublin.
Sonstiges, Verschiedenes, Reststücke,
Ramsch, Allerlei, Kontakt und Deutlich Deutsch
not in the slightest
v.short
Go over the edge with this two-part war story and who not what and granny gets knotted and kick in the head and another place. Roger liked the corpse in the Amy stories.
Welcome to the Story Kettle! Stories to make you laugh, stories to make you cry, more than 1000 short stories; try the stories in Headland.
DON'T HONK!
DRIVER BLIND
random offcuts pictures how not to
This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.
In memory of her
Ten years before
And the sun shone down on us
He flipped up all the sixteen switches "All Foxes!"
new offcuts list of all offcuts D-J K-Q R-Z offcuts 2017-2019 offcuts 2020-2022