Mother said that I should be a good girl.
Was I?
I 'specially liked hitting the Vicar.
The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.
You say "You are what you eat".
I dispute this.
I have eaten cow.
Am I now a cow?
Do I look like a cow?
What’s the difference between a Golf GTI and a hedgehog?
The pricks are on the outside of a hedgehog.
Be aware that most of my mistakes are intended!
What’s the difference between an A&E patient and a doctor?
The patient gets to go home in the evening.
What is the favourite Christmas wine?
I don't like Brussels sprouts!
Some days you feel bad,
some days real bad,
and some days are even worse.
The clock on your arm
is a wristwatch.
Some are born to be loved,
Some are born to be hated,
And some should just fall down the lift shaft.
They buried the politician today
The crowd it jeered and rang.
But as for me, I wept
For I had hoped to see him hang.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my
younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think it's Colin.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
Two blondes walk into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Petronius Arbiter, 210 BC:
We tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing. It can be a
wonderful method for creating the illusion of progress while producing
confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
C-food diet:
I see food and eat it.
garlic diet:
Eat a whole bulb of garlic after every meal;
your friends will keep such a distance from you
that you will look much smaller.
cement diet:
Eat a bag of cement every day.
Why is there a yellow stripe painted on the sides of police cars?
To help policemen find a door handle.
And why does it take policemen so long to step out of a police car after it stops?
Because there is no yellow stripe painted on the inside.
There's nowt as queer as folk 'cept me and thee,
and even thee's a bit queer sometime.
In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot
and stand upside down on the draining board
Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
When I wake up I feel rosy all over.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
Other times I let her sleep.
I liked your present so much, that
I tried to teach it how to jump out of the waste bin.
How do you start a milk pudding race?
Sago
No nine after 7 8 9
Peanuts are not nuts.
Get yourself sorted with triage.
While following a slow car in France
my (mild-mannered) wife suddenly exclaimed
"Watch out Frog! There's a Roast Beef and a Kraut behind you!"
Breast feeding is for babies.
Infantilism sets in young.
You're an biped, aren't you? Admit it!
One crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!
Matricide is not the killing of your mattress.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because it couldn't find a date.
This dwarf is made for tossing,
and that's just what he'll do,
and one of these days this dwarf,
is gonna toss all over you...
Corned beef tastes better than cornered rat.
I find that if I give my head
a rapid shake to the left
all the ball bearings move to that side
and that resets my brain.
Why do cows lie down when it is raining?
to keep each udder dry.
Christmas Eve on Connex and everyone is heading home on the train out of Victoria. The guard came on the intercom. "Connex wishes you a merry Christmas... happy New Year... and I'd just like to leave you with this thought; Remember, a dog is not just for Christmas." Long pause. "It's pretty good cold on Boxing Day too."
What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
The English drive on the left when tourists are in the area.
Laugh and the world laughs with you,
snore and you sleep alone.
Baby sees Rover.
Baby sees the ball.
Rover sees the ball.
Rover sees baby.
Rover eats baby.
There are only two reasons why an adult does not receive a rectal exam
as part of a complete physical examination:
1 The patient does not have an anus.
2 The doctor does not have a finger.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
When Nasa started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, under water, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
The first night on the gallows is the worst.
There was a Young Lady of Wantage
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.
Said the Borough Surveyor
Indeed you must pay her
You've totally altered her frontage.
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Jelly Baby had developed am embarrassing rash so he thought he
would go and see a doctor to get an expert opinion, the doctor
examined him and then looked at Jelly Baby and said "I'm not sure
what's wrong, we'll have to take a sample, and you'll have to come
back in two days".
Two days later he returns for the test result and the doctor says
"We've got the result and it's as I suspected, Jelly Baby, you've
picked up a sexually transmitted disease". Jelly Baby looked at the
doc and said "Well, is that it?".
"You don't sound very surprised, Jelly Baby." said the doc.
Jelly Baby replied "I'm not, I've been with allsorts!"
"Stewardess!"
"Yes, Sir?"
"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the
same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no window
blinds, so I can't sleep."
"Captain, shut up and land the plane!"
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive!"