I was slowly getting the idea that some person or some persons or something was screwing up my life. Perhaps I was paranoid. Perhaps it was Notty. Perhaps it was my Mother. They were certainly often there, I saw them every day.
One warm summer evening Notty and I were lying on the bank of the lake in the little park on the edge of the town. I was still very interested in Notty. I spoke of that evening one year ago at this very spot where I first kissed Tracy.
“Do you remember? I wanted to hold her in my arms. What ever happened to her? If I could only once be her and live those days as she did. What did I say? Why don't I put my arms around you and hold you in my arms.” “You must close your eyes and keep them closed until I say so.” At last, my chance with Notty.
I closed my eyes and he took me in his arms. He was so warm. He felt so good. He moved his face up to my ear and said, Tracy, oh, Tracy, I always wanted you, you feel so warm, you feel so good.
I pulled him on top of me and I kissed him, his tongue entered my mouth. It felt so good. It was good. And it was fun. But we were so drunk. I told him to stop, to slowly come right down on me and hold me even tighter.
It's no good, it won't work, we are too sozzled. But I promise you, I want you and I want you tomorrow and that's a promise. I felt his retreat. We lay there for some time until Notty separated us and kissed both of us, I had forgotten that she was there.
The next day was horrible, my head felt terrible and I felt terrible because I was breaking my promise. I wanted to be with him but my Mother kept me at home.
I tried to talk to Dad. Why did I bother? He was lying under the car repairing it, every Sunday he lay under the car, he did not repair it, he had a long sleep, I had worked that out years ago.
Dad did two things in life, he earned money and repaired things round the house. Oh, and sometimes he ate the food that my Mother gave him. It was useless talking to him even when he was awake. He never said anything, I never heard him talk to anybody. I sometimes talked to him for hours, but he never said anything. Fortunately Notty visited me and I told her that I would keep my promise to Colin on the next day.
The next day held its promise a thousand fold. It was so good. This is what I really wanted in life, Colin was so good. And the following days and weeks kept their promise too. Colin was the flame that set me on fire.
We were very young, but it was the summer vacation, and no one noticed us. Notty made sure of that. Notty was a good friend. But soon would be the start of school and I didn't think that we could keep our relationship a secret any more. I did so want to keep Colin. He was my flame, the light of my life.
What went wrong? Who found out? I had spent an hour early in the morning with Colin, so very good. And I wanted to see him again in the evening. But no, when I got home the house was completely empty. “We are moving house. Get in the car!” shouted my Mother.
Dad drove for hours, no one said anything, but it was absolutely clear that it was my fault, Dad said nothing. Our new home was hundreds of miles away and had no phone. “It's your fault!”
Years later I often think of Colin, the flame still burns, but I have met the love of my life and he is simply better, he is the best. Still Colin got me started. There really are some good men on this planet, but you have got to look for them.