It was the Friday before a bank holiday. I don’t go shopping on Saturdays – 2 crowded. But this Friday was as crowded as a Saturday and I had bought 2 much.
I had 2 stop, I placed my 2 bags on the ground and waited. I was unable 2 go further – my bags were 2 heavy.
He was younger than me, but not that young. He grabbed my 2 bags and said that he would carry them home for me. He talked 2 me as we walked 2 my home: The Story of his Life – part 2.
I opened the front door and we marched in – he insisted in carrying my bags 2 the kitchen. “Put them on the dresser next 2 the fridge.” Most of my purchases would disappear in2 the ‘magic fridge’. There was a big Victorian table in the kitchen – big fat legs, a drawer and a thick table cloth. It’s strong, I stand on it 2 change the light bulb.
I was thinking about chocky-coffee and chocolate digestive biscuits, and I reached for 2 mugs 2 put on the table.
But he was quicker than me. What did he want 2 put on the table? Me, of course.
I put my arms around him tight, 2 stop him falling off me and hitting his head on the floor and hurting himself. I squeezed him.
Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.
He stopped moving. We stayed still for some time. I released him from my arms, he fell off me, and hit his head on the floor – he must have passed out. I climbed off the table and put the stuff in2 the fridge.
I made myself a chocky-coffee, I was feeling good. He started 2 yell like a wounded sow and move like a fish out of water. I ’it ’im. He stopped yelling and flopping about.
I pushed my arms under his armpits and clasped my hands on his chest and pulled him out of the kitchen in2 the front room and dumped him on the sofa. I grabbed a bottle of Sainsbury's whisky, took a slug and emptied my mouth in2 his mouth.
I saw her, she was older than me, but not that old. She was having difficulty carrying 2 heavy bags of shopping. She stopped at the corner, she put her 2 bags on2 the ground, and waited. My chance. “I’ll carry your heavy bags home for you?”
I picked up her 2 bags and didn’t wait for an answer. We chatted about some nonsense; she seemed quite friendly. We reached her home and I insisted on carrying her 2 bags in2 the kitchen. Most of her purchases would disappear in2 the fridge. There was a big Victorian table in the kitchen – big fat legs, a drawer and a thick table cloth.
What was I thinking? I picked her up and put her on2 the stout kitchen table. My chance. She put her arms around me and squeezed me tight.
Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. She cried.
After some time she released me and I slid off her and hit my head on the floor. She ’it me. I must have passed out.
When I woke I found myself slumped on a sofa in probably the front room of her house. She leaned over me, she kissed me, and emptied her mouth in2 mine and said:
You’ll do!