I don't know why I have a job at the Commission for the Island at de Haan, CofisH for short. I'm not a scientist, not technical, it can take me hours to understand what everybody is talking about.
But listen I do and ask questions when I don't understand. Then I get to explain to the media, I'm just the PR man, because all the scientists and technical types can't explain stuff to ordinary people, they certainly don't want to know about the power inside me.
I'm just the minor celeb that the public knows and trusts to tell them what plans CofisH has. Just after the trip to the Sandhurst group I informed the public that CofisH had decided to parachute a satellite TV link kit down to each supermarket on the island to connect to every group on the island.
That would be great for the TV shows – “Contact the Island!” and “Link up the Kids!” could be on every day of the week. The shows were very popular – all those lost children looking for their parents. CofisH also wanted to know where and what groups were on the island. But no, I did not want to be on a show every day of the week, once a week was enough.
About two hundred groups responded, mostly OK, the alkies were advised to go to their nearest evacuation port. Meanwhile CofisH was making plans.
“Here at CofisH we have been studying satellite pictures of the whole planet with the aid of computers and have discovered that the greenies are only on the island – there are about half a million of them.”
“We know very little about the greenies – they float about and eat metal and sometimes people, they are extremely dangerous. Some dead greenies have been analysed, but nothing interesting was found – no DNA-like stuff, no amino acids, just urea and other simple but very poisonous chemicals. ‘Not life as we know it, Captain!’”
“CofisH was founded with the mission to repopulate the island. The plan is to select a small area of the island, free it from greenies, send people – volunteers of course – to selected small towns in that area, and to support those people with everything needed to rebuild the towns and build a new future in them.”
“We want to do one or two areas at a time until the whole island is free. It must however be clear that the majority of towns will not be rebuilt. The plan will fail if a pair of houses are rebuilt in every single town. Sorry!”
“How do we free an area from the greenies? A good question. We have tried many ideas, mostly using aeroplanes, two methods will be used. One is to sow a large part of each area with chalk pellets – greenies hate chalk, most of them will leave or be destroyed. Chalk is OK on farmland.”
“The second method is drastic. The bigger and more dangerous greenies, especially the greenie-reds, will be shot up with low velocity, explosive shells containing calcium oxide and barium sulphate. A-10 tank busters from Spangdahlem will deliver the punch.”
“CofisH has identified flat areas in Essex and also in Kent: We are ready to start when we receive the approval and funding from the Western European Governments, known as the WUGs.”