not no one

She was plain and very shy.

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Copyright © 2008, Michael M Wayman

Don't tell anybody! 'specially don't tell 'im! Keep quiet about it! She said.

No, no! I won't tell anybody! I said.

There were none of her relatives there, she has none – I'm just an honorary uncle; I didn't know anybody, not even the two bridesmaids. One was very pretty – everybody wanted to talk to her. The other one sat alone.

I was alone, so I talked to her. She was plain and very shy. The conversation was very forced. Suddenly she said, You can help me!

She explained that her friend, the bride, had told her that I could help her, just like I had helped the bride.

Oh, yes?

Yes! And she told me everything that I had done with the bride. She was fascinated. I was embarrassed.

You want me to do that to you too?

Yes, if it helps me get a boy like the bridegroom.

Two days later she came to my house.

Walk to the end of the room and then back here and now sit on my lap.

Oh! she said, I'm so ugly. No one wants to talk to me. I was always the odd one out. I'm so flat chested. I will never get a boy. No one wants me.

No! I said firmly, You are not ugly. Forget that idea! But your clothes don't fit you. You don't walk right, I mean you don't hold yourself upright. Your make-up is all wrong. You've got the wrong attitude.

Both of us were not being very truthful. She wasn't ugly – not many people are; but she was plain – most people are.

You know something? You smell nice. That's good. That's a good start. And yes! New clothes! Yes, new clothes. Oh! Just a few minutes. Don't take them off yet!

I took her to a shop I know – very nice ladies' clothes – I fancy the owner of the shop too. She certainly helped find the right clothes – I mean outfits – for the young lady. Was the young lady pleased! Did she look good! Come to my boutique again soon!

This is how to hold yourself. Yes, if you really want to practise with a book on your head. You don't need much – you are so young – just a little make-up – a bit there – and – another bit there. Yes, that's right. Tomorrow you get your hair done. No arguments! I've made the appointment.

Turn your brain on! Help yourself! I mean be good to yourself! Do you want to help others? Yes, I thought so. I'll tell you something, it's not a secret, if you want to help other people you have to help number one first. If you're not 100% you cannot help others. Got it?

I did my best, after six months they grew to size B, maybe I could manage C. She was really the young lady now.

No! I can't go! No! I won't! I feel so silly. He won't like me. No!

Of course you've got to go. He invited you, you accepted, you must go. It's what you wanted. It's your first date. You said that he's a nice guy. Try your luck! You don't have to jump into bed with him the first time. He won't expect it, if he's a nice boy. Try your luck! I know, I have an idea.

I took her to that shop again. Try that on!

While she was trying it on I explained to the owner of the shop what was required. Something very nice for a first date, for the very first date, that very evening.

You are always coming in here with girls or women who need to look good. Always different ones.

Yes, you are quite right. I ought to be asking you out to dinner. What are you doing tonight?

Oh, I'm going out to dinner, with someone nice.

It went OK. Then it went wrong. Someone else. Went OK. Then wrong. She cried. No, not the shop owner – that went fine – still does. But the young lady had her ups and downs with the boys – more downs than ups.

Finally it went OK – perhaps I will be invited to a wedding soon.

Have you read Frau Alpert makes Mistakes and Liechtenstein?