Something is wrong. Not that I mean Anna. No, but something is not quite right. I've known Anna for three years and loved her for all but the first two seconds of that time. It's her friends. Well, no, that's not quite right either. It's the friends of her friends. No, still wrong! Try again!
My girlfriend Anna has many friends, most of them female, and I have met most of them. The fact is that all of the women have boyfriends, husbands, partners (call them what you will) who are losers. Or as we used to say, real losers. And some of them have a whole long history of losers, men who are or were useless, absolutely useless. I mean, all of Anna's friends are tied up with useless men.
Why are they all so hopeless? All of them! It gives me cause to worry. Not that I'm worried about Anna. No, something else.
Take Jim for example! Though personally I would rather take him to a crematorium and ask the people there to practise on him. Melissa thinks the world of him, I don't know why, he takes all her money and finds a good home for it, every month something different, such as the lottery, a casino, the horses, on-line poker.
Oh, there is no end to the ways he finds to lose her money. Recently he bet on the Greenland Sweepstake, oh, yes, he said, a very famous horse race across the glaciers. Famous only for him. Melissa thinks the world of him, Melissa is bankrupt.
And George was a loser, he is a loser no more. Oh, yes, what a wonderful driver he was, he said so, Susan said so too. Susan had a very fast and expensive car.
Had is the right word. George parked her car (Oh, what a wonderful driver he is!) on a railway crossing and forgot to get out of the car. Pity about the car. Now that Melissa is without a penny and Susan without George, a certain Jim is removing all of Susan's cash. Oh, it's all for a good cause.
These losers find all different ways to lose, mostly money or jobs or both. If I had a girlfriend as pretty as Joan, I would try as hard as I could to keep my job, she is what they call “drop dead beautiful”. But no, John gets a new job and gets fired every month and always for a different reason – just hopeless.
And Jake? Jake has loads of money, he says so. Jake has no need of a job, he has a foolproof scheme to make a lot more money, Jenny thinks that Jake is so clever. So why is he spending twenty years in jail? Jenny visits him every week.
I don't feel sorry for these losers, it's not that I'm unkind, it's experience. It is pointless feeling sorry if you cannot help. If you see a dead cat at the side of the road, you may feel sad, but it is useless feeling sorry for the cat, you can't help it any more, it's dead.
These losers are not dead, though they would be better so, but they cannot be helped. I know, I've tried, several times, mostly out of pity, if not for them, then for their girlfriends. No, helping them does not work, these losers remain losers and I am not sorry for them, Anna isn't either.
Why has Poly got twelve children and twelve ex-husbands and twelve cars? Did each husband leave her one child and one car? Mary has married seven times, she is married to seven losers, she hasn't divorced any of them, she is going to marry loser number eight next month. I have suggested hiring an old bus to take all of them on vacation, I know of a very picturesque waste tip in Mongolia.
Henry must be the worst of the losers, he takes his life every week. Yes, he is suicidal. Oh, and Monica feels so sorry for him, the poor sad Henry. He tried to electrocute himself and ruined Monica's TV and PC. He tried to poison himself and spoiled Monica's precious carpet. He tried to hang himself and Monica broke both arms trying to cut him down.
He wanted to drive off a cliff. Oh, that half worked, Monica's car went over the cliff but without him. Pity! Last week he covered himself with a special liquid (probably water) and played with matches. The fire brigade hauled him out of Monica's burning house. Monica is now homeless and is living in a hotel room with Henry.
I'm worried. I have made some very discreet inquiries. What are they like in bed? The losers? Some of them were useless, the rest very useless. Why do Anna's friends like these losers? I could understand it a little bit, if they got screwed properly.
I'm still worried. I decided to ask Anna. When would be the right moment? I mean, there could be some connection. If all of Anna's friends' friends are losers what am I?
Anna and I were chugging along in bed one afternoon with me on top when I explained my fears. Anna whacked me as hard as she could with her hand on my outstretched behind. Do you think that I would let you near me if you were a loser?