I like men. I collect them. When the collection reached twelve in number I decided to start a harem.
My friend Cuthbert, he's not in my collection, has a harem, about twenty women in his house. I decided to stay with him and discover how to run a harem.
The girls were friendly to me, but as soon as Cuthbert had left the room the girls picked me up, carried me down to the basement and took off all my clothes.
They sprayed me all over with perfume, dressed me in other clothes, made me up and did my hair. I did not recognise myself in the mirror. Cuthbert said that I looked very sexy and that he would enjoy me that evening.
And that was the trouble, I enjoyed him that night, I enjoyed him the second night, and the third. On the fourth night I said “Cuthbert, something is not right, the girls are unhappy.” Cuthbert called for one of the girls; I enjoyed the girl and of course Cuthbert that night. It took a few weeks for me to work my way through the whole harem.
However I learnt very little, the girls were kind to me, I spoke a lot with Cuthbert and with the girls, but somehow I discovered nothing very useful. I decided to dive in the deep end and try a harem out.
I rented a holiday house in the mountains with many rooms, and invited all thirteen men to stay with me for three weeks. My invitation was of course not optional. It was a disaster.
The first day we went shopping and bought food for dinner in the evening. Nobody but nobody could cook. They all said that they couldn't cook; I think that some of them were lying. Why? I certainly was not going to cook for all of them, what did I have a harem for?
I sent them out to get a takeaway. They spent an hour arguing what Pizzas to buy. They also talked about cars a lot; I expected Pizza Carburetto, Pizza Cappo de Lampa, and Pizza Seatta Leathero.
The next day we went for a long walk in the mountains, the villagers looked at the thirteen men and me with interest. That evening I verbally grabbed three of them and instructed them how to cook the dinner. Too much effort! The other nights we went to restaurants.
The nights were fine, I took two or three of them to my room and locked the door. I heard the sounds of fighting; by the way the others looked in the morning I am sure they had been fighting. Why? I told them that it was not necessary, the one thing that I had learnt, give them all a fair turn.
No, I wouldn't repeat that again. Why do men behave in such an odd way when they are in a group? They are quite human in ones and twos. I decided to invite one or two of them to stay with me, one week at a time. They wanted to have a fixed plan, a roster, I said no.
I have no difficulty finding men for my collection; they just volunteer. Cuthbert said the same. The only problem was men who I accepted and later found to be useless. I told one that he was useless and he should leave, go far away, even better, leave the country. He just laughed.
I told him that the other men would tie him to the back of a bus, naked. That sat. I never saw him again. Maybe he left, maybe he was tied naked to the back of a bus and perished. I don't care.
I do care, about the men in my collection. If you get a man by himself, you can teach him things, like how to cook, how to be a human being, how not to talk about cars all the time, how to talk sensibly, how not to talk about sport all the time. You have to be patient, but it is worthwhile.
I discovered why I don't say “my boys”. You can call a woman “a girl” and she won't object, she may take it as a compliment, she won't change her behaviour. If you say “boy” to a man or even worse “boys” to a group of men it is taken as an excuse to behave like a little boy or boys. No, treat them like adults and kick them when they behave like little boys.
Why did I need my own apartment? I sold it. I move every few days to live with one of my collection. I allow them to have girlfriends or boyfriends or even get married and have children. Most wives go and stay with their mothers when I come, but they don't have to. I sometimes babysit or dogsit. I have my fun.
Where was I going in life? Not that I wanted to settle down or start a family. I asked Cuthbert to marry me. He said that he was honoured but it wouldn't work being married and having a harem. I had to agree with him.
He said that he liked me because I had my head screwed on straight. I said that he liked me because he liked screwing me. Cuthbert put his arms around me and screwed me. He is so sweet.
I have written a user's guide for men; it is titled “Be a man!” It sells well. I still enjoy my collection, in ones and twos.