I've had them all, pretty ones, beautiful ones, great singers, great dancers, beautiful women. I've had all the women pop stars on my show, they sing their latest hit number, perhaps another one, I come on the stage, talk to them about their plans or next film or current boy-friend and then I clone them. This is perhaps the high point of my show.
I usually make only one clone, a temporary one that lasts a few minutes for a duet or a song and dance routine with or without me. The audience loves it, I do live shows and the clone disappears.
I can make longer lasting and better quality clones, but it knocks me out for the rest of the day. Good health dictates short-lived clones that are not perfect, maybe a bit fuzzy around the edges, perhaps the audience expects that, perhaps real clones are not perfect.
Yesterday I did the last show of the current series with “she who cannot be named”. Great success, she sang really well, I talked to her about her boy-friend, a heavy-weight boxer in the audience, spotlight on him, I made two clones of her, the three did a very good girl-group act, two songs. I had not expected that. Much applause. Great last show – I was very pleased.
Big surprise, the two clones were waiting for me in my dressing room, this has never happened before. I took them home with me and gave them a detailed examination.
As I said, I was very happy, great series of shows, the last show being the best, nothing planned and two lovely women to play with. We had a lot of fun.
Very odd, they were very perfect, very much alike, very much like “she who cannot be named” and very permanent. How did I do that? Had someone with better cloning skills helped me? I named them Joan and Joan. They wanted to start a girl-group named “The Joanses” and sing and dance.
One evening in my favourite restaurant we got photographed. Big news: “she who cannot be named” had left her heavy-weight boxer friend for Jim McClane, the Clone Master. The pictures had been cropped to show only one Joan.
I received a court order to stop me having clones or lookalikes of “she who cannot be named” on my show. No great problem, I had no shows planned and the court order lasted only six months.
I received a court order to stop me appearing in public with clones or lookalikes of “she who cannot be named”. My lawyer got that thrown out.
As I said, I was very happy with Joan and Joan. Then it happened, I received a court order demanding that I terminate the two clones that looked like “she who cannot be named”. My lawyer arranged a court hearing.
I made a plea to the Judge: My name is Jim McClane, the Clone Master. I can tell you until I'm blue in the face that I made these two clones of “she who cannot be named” but you won't believe me. You don't believe that I can clone. Most of the people in this country think that I use tricks, that I use lookalikes on my TV shows.
You look at these two beautiful women, you think that they are identical twins, you know that they are human beings like you and I. You know that human beings have rights, the right not to be killed, the right to not be murdered.
I have been asked to kill these two beautiful, young women; I have been commanded to murder in the name of this court. This is morally wrong. I tell you, I won't kill anybody, I won't murder anyone. Please listen to me.
The judge asked the lawyer for “she who cannot be named” to respond. He said that I only needed to unclone the clones, not kill them.
The judge asked me if I could unclone clones: No, definitely not. I don't know how to. I don't believe that uncloning is possible. The answer is no.
The judge cancelled the court order.
A few days later Joan and Joan and I were sitting on my terrace enjoying the warm summer evening, when “she who cannot be named” strode across the lawn and jumped onto the terrace. She bent over Joan and Joan and kissed them. She wrenched me from my chair and hugged me. Joan and Joan joined the huddle.
There are just the four of us now.