I am a very good girl, a very good girl indeed. I must be, all the nurses say so. My name is Good Girl.
My life is wonderful, the nurses look after me, they bring me food, they talk to me. They say I don't shout, I don't fight, I eat everything on my plate, I don't jump up and down, I am a good girl.
Every morning the doctor comes and examines me – this is very nice.
Every afternoon somebody comes and plays games with me – this is very nice.
Every evening I watch TV with the nurses – this is very nice.
Oh, I do like playing games, especially the chalet game. The game always starts the same, I'm in a chalet with another person, what happens next? This is my part, I must tell a story, I get my ideas from the TV.
A big blue and gold spaceship lands outside, little green men jump out of it and rush into the chalet and take the other person away. But they don't want me. They point a ray gun at me and POW! I cannot move and I forget everything.
A big door opens in the side of the mountain and several dwarves come out of it. They are singing. Snow white? No, it was the middle of summer. They take the other person away, but they don't want me. They say a magic rhyme and POW! I cannot move and I forget everything.
Big black helicopters land outside, lots of soldiers dressed in black with black helmets shoot at the other person until there is nothing left and then they shoot at me until I am full of holes. I cannot move and I forget everything.
Life is so nice. One night the doctor came to me, it was the middle of the night, he wanted to give me a special examination. I took off my nightie and he took off all his clothes. Oh, yes, a really special examination it was going to be.
He said that he was going to eat me. This did not sound right, this was not part of my nice life. But first he wanted me to eat him. I ate him.
This was very nice, I enjoyed the doctor very much, wasn't I a good girl, how pleased the nurses would be with me when they came in the morning.
I heard a funny sound in my head, very strange, it sounded like a bowling alley. I expect you know what was happening, but it was new to me. All the ball bearings were in the left side of my head and one by one they rolled over to the right side of my head. My brain was being reset. This happens to you after something real bad has happened to you, the ball bearings roll, your brain resets, you forget all the bad stuff and you feel happier.
But not me, I had just eaten the doctor and that had been real good, no way was I going to forget that. As more and more ball bearings rolled to the right side of my head the more my brain started to work.
You have just eaten the doctor – good.
You have just eaten somebody – very odd, perhaps OK, perhaps not.
You must crazy to eat somebody – but it was so good.
You are crazy – there is nothing you can do about that.
You are in a clinic, a hospital – why?
You are in a loony bin – why? Because you are crazy.
You don't want to be in a loony bin – but it is nice here.
You're going to get the hell out of here – too right!
I dressed in the doctor's clothes, I used his card to leave the building, I used his key to find his car, I drove south, I followed all the signs for SOUTH, I was tired, I felt good, I wanted to sleep, I drove south.
I drove south as far as I could, bought some new clothes, took a long train ride to the north and slept.
I was going to get off the train two stops early, but when the train conductor woke me the train was in another country, much further away. Just as good, when not better, funny I knew that town. I took a short bus ride, found a room and slept for a week.
The ball bearings had stopped rolling, but there were still some left left in my head. But I knew some things, like I could drive car, like I liked to eat, like I was crazy, like no way that I belonged in a loony bin, but not the fuck who I was. I decided to eat a leg of lamb.
The ball bearings rolled again. A picture of a man floated through my head, he looked at me, he said nothing, he was waiting for something. Who was he?
The doctor's money was gone. I got a job stacking shelves in a corner supermarket. It didn't pay well, but I had no papers. I got free food, out of date stuff, but I limited myself to one leg of lamb a week. OK, I should give it up, but one leg of lamb a week is not too bad, it also helped to keep the ball bearings moving.
I discovered, or rediscovered, a lot about myself, some good, some bad, but nothing important. The picture of the young man was stuck in my head. The picture stopped me from throwing myself in front of a train. If this man was part of my life I told myself, then hang on to life.
After seven weeks and seven legs of lamb I told myself “You've gotta go! You're gotta go somewhere.” I bought a ferry ticket.
It must have been the whole of the town standing on the harbour wall. How did they know that I was coming? They were cheering. The man stood there. I remembered:
i am angelo you are angelica angelo loves angelica angelica loves angelo this is my mother this is my family you are home