eaten and not gone away

The seven legs of lamb.

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Copyright © 2010, Michael M Wayman

I'm really into eating, but I won't go into details, I don't want to ruin your next meal.

I remember as a kid looking at a cow and wanting to eat it, all of it. You may have thought about juicy steaks, but I wanted the lot. This is the holistic view of eating. However how could I eat something that big, much bigger than me, and with those pointy horns too?

I also looked at pet cats and dogs, but I told myself these are somebody's pet, don't be so unkind to other people. No, don't be unkind to other people.

I started real eating as a teenager, I bought a frozen half leg of lamb one Saturday with my pocket money, let it defrost overnight and ate it on the Sunday. It was good, I was full, I felt good, I didn't eat anything until Wednesday. Me Mum thought that I was ill or something, but I was happy.

I tried all the cuts of meat that I could afford, best of all was a leg of lamb. Frozen lamb is quite cheap and the bone is very crunchy. Once I ate two, it must have been my birthday. I was so bloated that me Mum thought that I was pregnant and took me to the doctor's. He prescribed something made of figs that tasted good with the next piece of lamb.

It was Saturday night, I was going to see some friends, no I wasn't, there was a party. Jake's parents were on holiday, so Jake had a party. We all hated Jake, he was a nasty boy, but he was having a party.

I was young and naïve and drank too much. When I woke up, I discovered that I was alone with Jake, not a good idea. Jake had been doing something with me that I would never have agreed to, and he carried on doing it, if I had been sober. Perhaps I enjoyed it. I don't remember, I must have passed out again.

When I woke again, it was dawn, there was no Jake, I was full, very full, I felt good, very good, apart from a hangover. What had I eaten? I staggered home, I felt so heavy. I slept until Monday.

Me Mum wanted to take me to hospital. I felt good. I ate nothing for two weeks and spent a long time in the bathroom. Had I eaten Jake? I don't know. Perhaps I had eaten everything in the fridge. Perhaps I had eaten a policeman on the way home. Perhaps Jake was not so nasty, perhaps tasty. Who knows?

Funny, nobody was upset that Jake was gone. Nobody liked him. When his parents came back from holiday they were pleased too. They didn't contact the police. He was gone. And that was it, he was gone and you don't feel sorry about someone who has just gone away.

Anyway, I had definitely eaten something big, probably a human, probably Jake. This was in my mind for weeks. Was I a monster? Was I frightened of myself? Or was I the heroine? The hero? The saver of the planet who devours all the bad and nasty people to rescue the world from evil? I expect you worry about these sort of things too, but it is so much harder for a teenager.

I decided, after seven weeks and it must have been seven weeks because I can remember the seven legs of lamb, to eat one bad person as an experiment. There was only one bad person where I lived, he was a state politician, he tasted good.

I'm against violence and eating clothes. I had to persuade the politician to remove his own clothes. This was not difficult, very easy really. All I had to do was to remove mine first, he removed his and I ate him. Simple.

Again, nobody was upset. He had gone away. Most people were pleased. Now, please understand, I don't think that all politicians are bad and nasty. Some are OK, anyway there is a limit to what I can eat.

I really enjoyed it, both the eating and feeling full and happy and satisfied afterwards. You may think that I am a pervert, because I eat with no clothes on. Have you no manners, you ask? I ask, have you ever tried to put your clothes on again in front of a bad and nasty politician? No, not very easy.

It was my calling in life. I said goodbye to Mum and Dad and moved to the capital city. After two years and about twenty politicians I moved to the next country. That was difficult, I can tell you, you really have to learn the language to discover which politicians are worth eating.