D&C and the end

Debbie and Cheby are well and truly dead.

StoryKettle » D&C » D&C and the end

Copyright © 2009, Michael M Wayman

It was terribly sad. They were all dead. There was nothing that could be done – the show could not go on.

As soon as we had finished the third series of the D&C Show we took a long holiday. We recorded all 26 shows in our studio in the basement of the big house where we lived. We never did live shows and were very glad not to have to use the dirty studios at the “Morality Central” TV station.

We flipped – from a life sleeping in the daytime and working at night to a holiday life on the other side of the planet. We planned it, we flew with different airlines, we travelled on different routes, we used different names and we didn't fly directly. Anything to escape our fans. No, we wanted a holiday, we wanted a rest, we wanted peace. Maybe we would do a new series after a year or three.

The hotel was great – we bought it – the beach was wonderful and so was the food and the weather and everything. Then came the bad news...

The “Morality Central” TV station had burned to the ground, in the middle of a live D&C Show. There were no survivors.

On the day before the fire the management had fired most of the security guards and half the cameramen. But no, the fire had obviously been started by the Two Perverts. Debbie and Cheby had died in each others arms. Their mother, the “Perfect Mother”, had tried to save the “Schoolgirl Mother”, but both were killed in the smoke. Baby-B climbed onto the roof, but the roof collapsed. The Two Perverts will not be rotting in hell, they already are.

At first we said nothing, then we cried, then we laughed, then we were sad. Richard phoned and told us to go into hiding. Debbie and Cheby and Co. were going to make much more money now that they were dead. Just use false names and keep quiet.

We told him that that was just what we were doing. Richard said that he would fly over to see us. Somehow, we were all very pleased to hear this.

After a few days Richard arrived. We were all rich, very rich, our company Dilationkup would handle the money. Our big old house on the edge of town was being converted into the D&C Museum. Debbie and Cheby and Co. were going to be so famous and rich and dead as Elvis.

But we were still sad. Late that evening we had a bonfire on the beach. We burned the mandolin, the red hippo, some scripts, some clothes, anything D&C that we still had. The five of us held hands around the fire and sang the sandwich song for the last time. It was sad, it was a funeral, Debbie and Cheby and Co. had left our lives.

A funeral is good for you – afterwards you really know deep down that that someone is gone and gone for good – afterwards you can be happy again, sometime. But we weren't – something was still wrong.

It was Chardonnay who spoke out loud.

Something is still wrong. I can feel it. We are not happy. Even when Richard, dear Richard, is here with us. Even Richard is unhappy and I know why. Richard has not told us yet, but I know. Richard has lost his job at “Morality Central” and it has hit him hard.

There were we swimming in money. But Richard, he who had made it all possible, had lost his job. He had been fired. He was unhappy, it had been his whole life, working in TV. He said so.

What could be done? As usual, we told Chardonnay to think about it, to have her crazy ideas. We had always done that. Doreen was the clever one, but Chardonnay had the ideas.

Chardonnay is not the fastest thinker – two days later.

I know what the problem is, however I don't have a solution yet.

Chardonnay is not the fastest thinker – two days later.

I've got the solution, a solution for all of us. We are going to buy a TV and radio station for Richard. Good idea?

Oh, yes! we all cried.

Good! said Chardonnay, but that is not the solution. Listen to this!

Richard! You need a new life. You are going to get married, maybe start a family. Isn't that a good idea?

Did he want to say something? Chardonnay did not give him a chance.

Richard darling! You are going to marry the four of us, and, yes, we are going to have a family, definitely lots of children. Aren't you pleased, Richard?

I need time to think about this! said Richard. I can't marry all four of you anyway.

Oh, yes you can. In this country it's legal.

I can't marry Miss Cavendish, as you call her, she's my sister.

Oh, yes you can. In this country it's legal.

And little Brenda is too young.

Oooooooo! said Brenda. Thinking about having children with you, Richard, makes me feel like growing again. Yes, I have started growing again.

It was Doreen's turn. Richard, darling Richard! You must be very happy. You must listen to Chardonnay. When she says that you are going to marry us, she means just that. You don't have to decide. You don't have to think about it. The decision has been made. No problems – just happiness for you, Richard.

We want you to be happy. We want you to be happy with us.

You must listen to Chardonnay. Chardonnay speaks the truth.