“Morality Central” sounds clean and healthy and bright and shiny. The “Morality Central” studios are in a bad part of town and are dirty.
That was a big surprise for us. Why did the security guards kiss the walls? Richard said that they were stoned or drunk or both. We discovered the reason for the odd camera angles and why the presenters sometimes disappeared into the floor. The cameramen fell over and pointed the camera at the ceiling. Richard said that...
Most of the presenters were so-called “shock jocks” who sat at a desk and talked evil about somebody or something. If you weren't heterosexual, male, white and vote far-right, then you were their target. Most of them had 30 minute shows that were live. Just a small studio with one camera – podium shot.
All our shows were recorded in the big studio in the early hours. We had three cameras and three camera men. We started each session by stacking the cameramen in the corner and singing a few songs. Brenda worked the cameras usually. Richard and Miss Cavendish did the mixing. A lot of hard work as I have already told you.
At the end of one session we were sitting around, a TV monitor was showing the live program, it was the worse of the shock jocks, the originally-named Schokky, the only shock jock with a ponytail. He said nasty things about women, all of them. He was bad, but we managed to ignore him until...
He said nasty things about the national football team, or was it the hockey team? He said that they were doing things that even Doreen and I have never done. He said these things about the brave girls who go out there on the field and play for our country. This was too much.
We waited until the advertising break and marched over to his studio and told him to hold his mouth. Schokky said that he would call security, but he noticed that Doreen was wearing a security guard's cap. He said that he had a right to say what he liked. He said free speech. We hit him.
What we did was wrong. After the break he told his viewers that he had been attacked. But free speech was right and he had a right to say what he liked. We should have hit him harder.
Schokky remained bad, but didn't get worse, just bad. We watched his show from time to time. He didn't mention our names, but...
You know, he's still bad. But do you notice something?
Every time he talks about being attacked for what he says, he pats his desk and says that he is prepared.
Aha! He's got something in the desk drawer.
Oh, yes. We can do something about that. Can't we?
It got worse. He said something really bad about the D&C Show. He did not use the name, but everyone knew who he was ranting about. It got worse. He said something really bad about the partner of Our Beloved Leader, the head of our glorious country. He did not use the name, but everyone knew who Schokky was ranting about.
I've been waiting for you. I am prepared. You lose!
Schokky took a gun out of the desk and pointed at the next studio light. He pressed the trigger. The gun showered the lamp with water. The lamp exploded.
Wow! Were we underwhelmed!
He stared at the gun.
We trashed him.
He and his chair were now lying on the floor. We put him on the chair and pushed the chair upright to face the camera.
Oh, that's good, that looks really good. Let's do it live!
It was the Cavendish pair. They told us to pull him down again, wait for the cue for the end of the advertising break, and push him up slowly to face the camera. But keep down unseen behind the desk.
We pushed Schokky up to sit in front of the camera. Doreen grabbed his ponytail to stop his head falling forwards – he was still out cold. Doreen pulled his ponytail up and down – it did look funny – his head moved up and down and his mouth opened and closed.
Welcome back viewers! Have I told you how much I love beetroot? No? Let me tell you all about beetroot.
You buy it at the supermarket. Each beetroot is made in a factory in China from high quality plastic. You can do so many things with a beetroot. You can stick one in your armpit. You can bury one in the garden. You can squeeze them – more of this later.
Have I told you how wonderful women are? No? Let me tell you all about women.
Did you know that without women none of us would be here? Not even me! Just think about it! Without those wonderful women you would not be watching this show right now. Even worse! Without those wonderful women you would not be able to have a bath in beetroot juice.
Beetroot juice? Yes, beetroot juice. I'm going right now to have a bath in beetroot juice. Goodbye everyone!
I could see that Doreen was tiring, Schokky's head was very heavy. I grabbed his elbows and pushed his forearms onto the desk. Doreen gave him a big push in the back and Schokky's head hit the desktop with a bang. Who needs teeth?
After five minutes of Schokky lying motionless in front of the camera, an ambulance team arrived and took him away.
Oh! Did the viewers love it! They thought that it was great. The way he spoke with his mouth just opening and closing just like a puppet. Wow, how he hit the desk and spat out fake teeth. Brilliant the way he waited so long for the paramedics to come and collect him. Just great.
Schokky's manager loved it too. It meant big money. Schokky's manager dragged Schokky out of the clinic and sat him back behind the studio desk. Schokky was a wreck, Schokky couldn't speak, Schokky couldn't even sit straight.
No problem! The National Association of Beetroot Growers paid for three puppeteers to string him up (I mean tie strings to him) and make him move right. Some actor did the voice. It was simple really – only the mouth did not move right.
The puppeteers wanted to drill a hole through the top of his head to control the jaw, but it was simpler to stick an electrode in the back of his head, cheaper too.
They put two electrodes in his brain. One to reset his brain, it also made his eyes move in circles, and one to open and shut his mouth.
Big success – the Schokky Show runs and runs. No bad words about women and his eyes rotate when he says the word beetroot.