Offcuts 2012 from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for year 2012

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat Please put a penny in the old man's 'at If you ain't gotta penny, a ha'penny will do If you ain't gotta ha'penny, then God bless you!


project links

This site is all about stories, it's full of stories. Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here. Click on more titles and read more stories.
Kick and Esoc and Ravioli and No boys and 2 things and We too and Enda
Mistakes and Katie and Office Bore and Sweetshop and Sugar-Pie and Bike


Links to other sitesselected links and top ten links and links.

Dürfen Vögel menschen?

About me and about you and privacy and excerpts

treasure one

It's good to know
That your nose points down,
Otherwise when it rains
You would of course drown.

Doch, Heidelberg ist schön! Das romantische Schloss, der Neckar-Fluss, die alten Gebäude, der Thingplatz, die Seilbahn, „The Student Prince“, die Feuerwerke über dem Fluss und Schloss, am besten vom Philosophenweg aus auf dem anderen Flussufer zu sehen; und die amerikanischen Touristen, die fragen „Where is the shlob?“   Weiter lesen...

It's like those embarrassing moments when you turn up to a party wearing the same dress as another gal, and then my wife asks me why I'm even wearing a dress in the first place...

offcuts 2013

Die beste Fernsehfernbedienung ist ein Ziegelstein.


JASOND always comes late in the year.

Christa hat eine Trompete – seit Jahren. Wie lange wusste Christa nicht mehr.
Christa hat das Instrument nicht gekauft und auch nicht als Geschenk bekommen – wer würde Christa eine Trompete schenken?   Weiter lesen...

offcuts 2007

She stopped, I walked towards her, she walked to me, I stared at her, she stared at me. I can't say whether she was pretty or ugly. She was bigger than me, really big, and blond. I understood nothing, just sometimes the word pig and once or twice the word pig.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Tell your friends and your enemies about !   And about Jennffer.

Gut City Blues
Gut City in the morning
Gut City in the night
Gut City you're all right

Erhöhen den Wert Ihrer Wohnung
mit einem Kotzbecken!

Julgransbelysning för utomhusbruk
Joulukuusen kynttiläsarja ulkokäyttöön

Sie ist doof, Sau doof! Du würdest auch so denken, wenn du sie anguckst. Aber es stimmt nicht.
Sie spricht kaum, nur eine gebrochene Sprache, sie schreibt auch, aber die gleiche gebrochene Sprache.   Weiter lesen...

Make Mine Music!

Er ist in meinem Leben ausgestanzt.

Agatha nickt mit dem Kopf.

Please, please me!

Porzellan-Syndrom = einen Riss in der Schüssel haben

loud place

Miko = Minderwertigkeitskomplex

We talked about this and that, until I made the mistake of asking her what her name was. Don't do that again! I don't have a name. She let me try to insist that she had a name, for a few minutes anyway. And then she said: OK! Let me show you that I don't need one and don't have one...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...


What does the fourth monkey not do?


He ate pet food out of the tin can with a teaspoon.

Ich bin widerlich da!

I think that the words gross, score, fortnight, gill, stone and dozen are soon going to join rod, pole or perch. It was Imperial on the back of my exercise book.

Families hit one another at weddings and funerals, so I'm told. Working as a nurse at a hospital, I can tell you, they hit each other when visiting the patients. Some times the poor patients get hit too. Last week I went into Paul's room...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

one, two,
cows say moo,
three, four,
kick in the door,
five, six,
do it for kicks,
seven, eight,
do be late,
nine, ten,
beyond my ken

I did not know where I was, I couldn't read the signs and the people spoke in a language I don't know. I sat on a bench and looked at the sea, very pleasant.
Suddenly someone grabbed my shoulder...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Unser Mikrowellengerät ist zu klein,
der Abteilungsleiter passt nicht hinein.

I've been in several bedsits. You know, a single room and a shared kitchen and bathroom down the corridor. They tend to be lonely places, you sit in your room alone and wait. You are waiting for one of two things – escape or death.

Roger wore a dark blue trilby hat with pink spots.

Die beste Zeit im Leben
ist die zwischen den Windeln.

meaningless irrelevant comment

Beim Cordsamt kriegst du keine Jeans.

I am the sole grinder.

Eugene V. Debs tried five times.

JENNFFER STORIES with Jennffer as a schoolgirl and Jennffer as a young woman.

Guck durch das Fenster!
Du sagst, welches Fenster?
Du musst das Fenster finden.
Es ist da, nur gucken.
Du wirst durch das Fenster gucken,
du wirst sehen,
du wirst verstehen...

Full moon by night, full sun by day.

He received the sack cement, it was his last.


The Indigo Vat was in Portsmouth.

He needed a notch in his cycle clip.

So geht es oft im Leben,
alles daneben.

how not to argue

It, the dog, was standing in the corner, it wasn't happy. I'll take it for a walk. It had a collar. I bent down to tie some string to it, I must buy a lead, and the dog looked at me as if I was going to stick a sword through it.
That broke my heart.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

I sit here perched on a stool in the kitchen.
I have sunglasses perched on my nose.
What can I see?
My life goes this way and that.
What is coming?

Who needs you
when I got you.

happiness module

Life is just a bowel of cherries.

Es lag überall Glückseligkeitspfützen.

treasure one

It did not take long to find out what all the other girls were, and even less time for them to find out that she was not only new, but fresh from college, and from which college. They were beastly to her, just awful. But why not? They were beastly to each other – that was normal. But they did warn her about Mrs Matchem.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Intubulation is not much fun.
Intubation is not much fun either.

taglio fresco ist nicht täglich frisch

I hated Sunday School when I was young. Not that it was bad, no, but it was always in the middle of the best part of the week. After Sunday lunch, Sunday afternoon was always something special, but no, at three o'clock Sunday School, really bad timing.

The machines get hammered and Mrs Torc gets hugged.

Ich habe am gleichen Tag Freitag bei Fa. Quark und bei Ihnen bestellt. Quark liefert am Montag, Sie SIEBEN miserabele Tage später. Dies ist nicht 1-2 Werktage. Ein First- und Lasttime-Kunde.

There was a naked girl lying face down on the bed:   Continue reading...
Actually there were two naked girls lying face down on beds:   Continue reading...
One of the judges took the physical measurements with a large pair of callipers, another judge tested the skin elasticity...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

I washed her Mondays.

Stories for adults to read.
Ordinary people doing unordinary things.
Short stories from Michael M Wayman.


He had brass ferrules in the morning.
His fingers were already knurled.

Er hatte eine Sollbruchstelle im Kopf.

Pus in Boots costs a pot.

hotel of lights

Station Road – when in the 19th century plans were made to build a light railway at Chobham, the village jumped the gun by naming the road and even building a booking office (now the Castle Grove pub). The railway, of course, did not materialise.

treasure three

Er ist nicht Klistier, sondern Klissner!

weed – a plant in the wrong place
silver birch – a big weed


Er heißt Klissner, nicht Klistier!


I wanted to write absurd stories with humour
but somehow I also wrote stories of love and pain

This site is all about stories, it's full of stories.
Just click on a title and read a story.
There are lots of stories here.
Click on more titles and read more stories.

Last time I went there, the door opened very quickly and before I could open my mouth a voice cried “James is here! James is here!” Ten people were suddenly all around me, shouting “James is here!” They picked me up, carried me inside and paraded me at shoulder height all round the house, all the time shouting, with much pleasure and glee “James is here! James is here!”...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Some scientists have estimated that up to half the population has sub-median intelligence.


I could see that Doreen was tiring, Schokky's head was very heavy. I grabbed his elbows and pushed his forearms onto the desk. Doreen gave him a big push in the back and Schokky's head hit the desktop with a bang. Who needs teeth?


Miss Davis and Miss Jones – two violent and Cuthbert and the Bishop and return of the Bishop and still violent and teeth and battered man and tlc.

Miss Davis is a gentle old lady. She likes to wear steel underwear. She is always with Miss Jones. She is a violent, homicidal thug.

Miss Jones is a gentle old lady. She likes to wear steel-reinforced underwear. She is always with Miss Davis, always. She is a violent, homicidal thug.

frozen peas

Only the truly demented would like this.


Ferry 'cross the Sleeve
'cus this water's the place I love.
Nah! I hate being at sea.

Percy Edwards and Percy Thrower were bipeds.

She always wanted children. Now was a good time. She bought a book. Yes, it was an odd way to do things, very odd indeed. She bought more books – they all said the same – she needed a man, at least to begin with.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

that hanging rope

You bought me a pair of shoes.
Very good.
The cobbler too.
You bought me a pair of shoes.


I'm going to shoot the dog that killed the cat.

writing links

I first heard O Ye Cannie Shove Yer Grannie Aff The Bus in a pub in Kingussie.

Justinian's wife, Theodora, a beautiful and passionate woman who expressed her regret that “nature had constructed her so that she could only have sex via three orifices.”

Spricht man Kernewek in Kernow?

Transformers don't have lamentations, that's sad.

I was driving about and stopped in some town. It was average sort of place, which probably means uninteresting. And I got arrested.
Nobody recognised me, but two big police officers with guns arrested me and put me in jail. “We need time to round up everybody for the show.”
What show? I hadn't planned a show on that day, nowhere. And why had I been arrested?   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

how to

Und wir hatten immer noch zu viele Nungen, von Planungen bis Hoffnungen.


I bought a pizza cutter in Oslo.

Der Androscoggin fließt von Nord nach Süd durch Berlin.



The planet Venus's orbit lies within Earth's. As a result, it never appears to venture far from the Sun in the sky. It reaches its maximum brightness shortly before sunrise or shortly after sunset, which is why it has become known as the morning star or evening star.


Wer ist Erika Mustermann?

favourite links

Mr Doyle wrote detective stories.

In the meantime, a themed joke from a three-year-old:
Q: How can you spell Mississippi with only one i?
A: Close one of your eyes. (It works better out loud.)

how not to €uro 2

Strained glass windows are in agony.


Ich las meine Rede vor. Warum wusste ich nicht; es gab nur zwei in der Halle, sie und ich; und sie konnte bestimmt nicht hören. Ich war fast fertig, als eine Frau ankam.   Weiter lesen...


Donate your left thumb to charity!


This is a big white box, it hums to itself, it is ugly; but you can open it day or night and snack. What about a cheese sandwich and a glass of cold milk? Sausage rolls with tomato ketchup? A glass of white wine? Spanish ham with mustard? Ice cream? Fruit juice?

Wulff ist weg, bald wird's Arschmittwoch.

Writing with your finger on glass
is very transparent.

I took an onion and started to peel it. I peeled off one layer and there was a smaller onion. “The layers of an onion,” I said, “peel one off and there is always a smaller onion inside.” “No!” she said, “you've got it wrong.”   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Vier tickende Geldbomben bedrohen Europa.

The film stars Glenda Jackson as Solange, Susannah York as Claire, Vivien Merchant as Madame, and Mark Burns as Monsieur.

keyboard layouts

A lot of people here need to look at the calendar
and I mean those four digits at the top left or right.

how not to €uro 1

She was always in milk.

top ten links

Was Jupiter zusteht,
steht dem Ochsen noch lange nicht zu.

thrown puppets

She was the Snopake Queen,
not the Tipp-Ex Princess.

zwei Karten  Deutch

Sims' position is good for access.

Come to Scar City!

Zwei Seelen wohnen, ach in meiner Brust.

Also Ox Bile & Ovine BIle

I was sitting on a bench one evening drinking a beer when she came. She was waving her arms in the air and shouting. She stank of gin. She kicked me.  
Continue reading...   More excerpts...


The freezing point of mercury is −38.83 °C and the boiling point 356.73 °C.

Die Stadt selbst ist schön, und gefällt einem am besten, wenn man sie mit dem Rücken ansieht.

red buttons

I ain't stupid, you ain't stupid and Roger is certainly not stupid. Roger knew that you can't eat toasted golf balls and that cooked balls on the golf course are a no-no.
But it was the open day for the local home for wasted children; and The Nice Young Lady had persuaded Roger to do something for the children.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...


Eine glückliche Ehe ist eine Ehe, in der die Frau ein bisschen blind und der Mann ein bisschen taub ist.

Smitherine of Rabbit in a Red Wine Sauce

But my children have no tail lights.

I went in. It was just like the sweetshop I went to as a kid. It was full of kids. There were sweets in big glass jars. It was rather old-fashioned. A nice old lady behind the counter served me. I asked for two ounces of pineapple cubes just as I had done years ago.
Oh, no! We don't have those. But we've got these, they're very nice. Do you want to try one?   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

I cannot remember the last time I had a stained glass sandwich.

my blog and contact details

Bis Bustiere beißen.

More excerpts...

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about   your favourite story website.

installing the Story Kettle

selected links

picture gallery 6

Und wenn nötig auch mit einem Spiralbohrer.

how not to PC 7


Engländer  Deutch

I would rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

Sometimes I love you.
Sometimes I hate you.

I was young and silly, very silly. I had done something silly. I did not know what to do.
My mother noticed that I was standing around and being silly. I had to tell her. She said that I had been very silly, but she had an idea – she picked up the phone. Visit her doctor at the end of the day.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

It's all old stuff below this point. See offcuts 2011


„Ongar!“ war das erste Wort das sie sprach.
Ich musste ihr die Wahrheit sagen,
Ongar war an der Central Line.“

There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body.

Smearing your breasts with cream cheese will not make you pregnant,
even if you are a man.

top ten


After invading Australia Adolf Hitler paid a visit to Ayers Rock and said that he would like a Vegemite sandwich before attacking New Zealand.

how to web


Selected links are news links and story links and recipe links and project links and software links and web design links and top ten links.


email me

Schoolgirl stories are Jennffer and Doreen and Chardonnay.

Schmerzgeschichten  Deutch

Men stories are Colin, Cuthbert, Toby and b.

link to your site

Our planet is tilted.

web design links


Privacy Policy


worse than poetry

special characters

klebrige Rübensirupgeschichten  Deutch


link to this site

Do you want to print this?
Herb and Spice Chart  recipe

Do you want to print this?

You must not touch the Story Kettle with your bare fingers. Discard it. Take a freshly packed Story Kettle and open the package taking care not to touch the Story Kettle. Extract the Story Kettle with a clean pair of pointed pliers that have been dipped in alcohol, turpentine or isopropanol (not distilled water) and carefully place the Story Kettle in the supplied socket. Repeat the process until: The Story Kettle shines with a clear ray of blue light!

stories to make you cry

picture gallery 3

Erst Hildesheimer, dann Mannheimer und dann Alzheimer.


Klick auf den Kessel für Home!

stories to make you laugh

software links

Redirection Index


news links

Please email this link to your friends:

new offcuts and list of all offcuts and offcuts 2011 and contact 2011 and contact 2008