Offcuts 2011 from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for year 2011

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts, scraps, this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits, bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, excerpts and words and pictures and tips and recipes

Links to other sitesselected links and top ten links and links.

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to thy Perfect Light

Please email this link to your friends:

In the English language there are many adjectives beginning with the letter D which have a negative meaning. Use these D-words to describe your favourite person, friend, project, company, partner or whatever.

my blog and contact details

Bis Bustiere beißen.

More excerpts...

Now is the time to tell all your friends, all the people you know and
of course all your enemies about   your favourite story website.

installing the Story Kettle

I would rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

selected links

picture gallery 6

Und wenn nötig auch mit einem Spiralbohrer.

top ten links

how not to PC 7

Engländer  Deutch


Sometimes I love you.
Sometimes I hate you.

contact 2011

I was young and silly, very silly. I had done something silly. I did not know what to do.
My mother noticed that I was standing around and being silly. I had to tell her. She said that I had been very silly, but she had an idea – she picked up the phone. Visit her doctor at the end of the day.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...


double dog? Just sew two dogs together!

JASOND Calendar is only half there.

Ich hatte einen Bruder.
Er wollte keine Bluthochdrucktabletten nehmen.
Ich hatte einen Bruder.

hanging rope

Please, please me!

nix mehr  Deutch


Weiß Du was?
Wenn Du balabala wirst,
was würde ich tun?
Ich würde Dich küssen.



picture gallery 5

However he could be doing something useful, like ironing sheets or sweeping up the leaves in autumn, instead of continually making those ugly pot stands.

Kapitän Germania ist Guido Westerwelle
in den belgischen Nationalfarben.

pix 7

crow and duster

I am sure all of you are looking forward to becoming the 52nd state in USA; you know that #51 is reserved for Washington DC. Driving on the right, tasteless food and all those funny dollar bills will difficult at first. I know that giving up the pound sterling and the NHS and education will be hard, but don't forget it will be harder for Elizabeth Windsor and family in their new home in Saudi Arabia.
Don't forget you will need a valid American passport to visit Scotland, Wales, the Isle of Wight or just about anywhere.

tomorrow is

ODD stories

JASOND always comes late in the year.

We all remember the D&C Show from the past – it’s twenty years now since they died – or did they? Here’s a video clip of Debbie and Cheby singing their signature Sandwich Song on their first show.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

worthless heroes

Es ist mir unmöglich zu erzählen, immer noch, was ich getan habe, es war so schlecht. Meine Familie hat mich im Knast nicht besucht, keiner von denen, ich habe sie nicht erwartet, es war so schlecht. Die Behörden haben mir eine neue Identität gegeben, um mich vor Rache und der Presse zu schützen; aber...   Weiter lesen...

eurant and how not to €uro

My noodles have insomnia.

My name is Thumper, I come from the bad part of town.
There is a streak of violence in me, it is true,
I cannot deny it. I must live with that.
My name is Thumper, I come from the bad part of town.

Snap, Crackle and Pop!

Geschmurgelte Putenbeine sind ganz gut!

luv yer granny

I look over the edge of my sunglasses.
What can I see?

Come to Atro City!

red, red wein

The Nasturtium Holding Unit is on the other side of town.

picture gallery 4

Automatic bilge pumps won't get you out of my heart.

Lunar landing in Bagshot?

not funny

Wo Frauen nur noch bessere Hälften sind.

And that is the long and the short of it.

how not to PC 6

„Ongar!“ war das erste Wort das sie sprach.
Ich musste ihr die Wahrheit sagen,
Ongar war an der Central Line.“

Little Tuttipegs! Why are your hands so small?

There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body.

she, them and me

If you shoot yourself in the foot you may lose some teeth.

Wir sind ohne Namen.

I warned it, but no, I had to use the full power. Oh, how I hate this.
It worked of course. The full theatrics of course. You know what happens, the sky goes black, thunder and lightening, the street lights go on and off and bow to each other, buses stop, choirs get out and tap dance on the street, the paving stones stand on end and sing...   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Cuddly Computer

Smearing your breasts with cream cheese will not make you pregnant,
even if you are a man.

My glabella is bald!

Es könnte ein Lied sein.
Es könnte ein Gedicht sein.
Aber ich kenne kein Lied.
Aber ich kenne kein Gedicht.
Was kann ich dafür.

Selected links are news links and story links and recipe links and project links and software links and web design links and top ten links.

Your veracity is spread very thinly.

long and short

Ich hoffe, dass ich tolerant bin.
Leider, leider, glaube ich
dass wir alle dabei enttäuscht sind.

Please don't complain, you are in Spokane.

too ape knees = won d

blog and contact details

Schaumschläger = Amtsträger

raze is not raise


We are always looking for used slaughter lines all over the world!


Why does my printer murmur Moorgate, Moorgate, Moorgate, Moorgate?

Engel in Berlin,
Popo in Schwerin.

The violence comes from the sole.

bit of wall

drats are not darts

Ich streichle meine Flasche.

Enterohemorrhagic Escherichia coli is not good for you.

PC won't boot

Achim sat on a bench by the lake every day, well, most days.
I don't see a golden duck every day, in fact, not even once a week, in fact, I have never seen a golden duck here. Yes, I must tell myself, I have never seen a golden duck, in fact, I don't know what a golden duck looks like.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

I, I who have nothing, adore you.

Brokkoli – Strunkie! Strunkie!

Paris in the
the spring.

hotlinking no

Where the cows come home to eat the dogs.

Der Patriarch wankt.

All my suitcases are wet.

I was bloody-minded until I bled.

new picture gallery

Ich bin so fragil wie du.

selected links

Oil your joints and grease your nipples!

some keywords for this site: short stories to read, absurd stories, humorous stories, sad stories, very short stories, odd stories, Kurzgeschichten

Lesen im Wald  Deutch

A long time ago, when the world was round, lived a pixie named Strordap in the middle of the woods. Strordap liked to sing songs and screw around, though not with hedgehogs.
Wouldn't it be fun to go to the big town and screw around there? I mean, it's so dark and damp here middle of the woods.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

two ape knees make one dee

Ohne Deckel bist du bedeckelt.

I only asked!


Sugar-Pie visits me almost every day. She's very pretty. She comes after school and I often help her with her homework. I'm at least twice her age. Why is she interested in me?   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

Have you seen Mr Pastry?

email me

Dahlien sind furchtbar,
sie sind so grell,
im nächsten Dorf neben der Synagoge
ist der Garten so grell,
so voll der furchtbaren Dahlien;
der Besitzer muss farbenblind sein.

I know a quick and simple test to find out if a car is any good for me. It's not a perfect test but it does reject 90% of cars in about 10 seconds. Pretty useful really!   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

We don't go to the top of the class.
We go to the bottom of the bottle.

Es hat nicht lange gedauert, es war einfach zu finden, um die Ecke ein paar hundert Meter weg. Aber alle Leute tranken Appelwoi, pur oder gespritzt, und hatten keine Lust auf Bier.   Weiter lesen...


I had just left home when I noticed that I was wearing a mauve coloured blouse. Now, that couldn't be true, I hate the colour mauve. At the end of the street stood a man wearing a mauve shirt, he stared at me, he said nothing. I could not pass him.   Continue reading...   More excerpts...

in and around the Story Kettle

Dear Sir,
Thank you for the new credit card you send me. I read your instructions to sign the new card and destroy the old card. I carefully signed the new card and cut it into pieces.
I enclose the pieces and request a new card and hope that I will not make this mistake again.
Yours faithfully, C.A.R. Dolt


I was riding along on a bicycle
with a large blond girl on my lap.
She smiled and said her name was Enovist.
We were going to crash and I woke up.

Katholische Ärzte wollen Homosexuelle mit Homöopathie kurieren.

choice of hammer

I murder spaghettis.
I break 'em in short pieces.
I cook 'em till they're soft.

crashing plates

I use the word prunniation because it is easier to prunniate.
It is one of my idiotsinks.

Eich bin ken Deitscher vun Pennsilfaani.

Schoolgirl stories are Jennffer and Doreen and Chardonnay.

in and around the Story Kettle 2008

The old person with a spoon.

Men stories are Colin and Cuthbert and Toby and b.

It's on the table, Mabel!


The Half Cucumber And Sixpence


More myths and fairy tales for the hard of thinking.

Wenn du nicht mehr weiter weißt, dann bilde einen Arbeitskreis.


You know, Jennffer, you are blond.
You have wonderful hair, really blond.
Do you know you have freckles?
On your face, all over.
You are beautiful.
You beautiful thing you.


s'pose = suppose
s'posing = supposing

thunder past a tram
what was that
what a noise
it was a tram

On this page the word ten means approximately 10 in number.

Wenn ich sage:
Sie isst Politiker.
jeder versteht:
Sie ist Politiker.

daisies in a beer glass

We stayed in the Hotel California.
Was it an Eagles' song?
Sears and Roebuck.
Friend in Palo Alto.

Are you just a foghorn in the night?

I can't hear right.
Everything is just about the other way round and inside out.
I remember.
The couch.
My flighted it.

Mr Tinlid was just a plastic moulding.

Der Defibrillator ist bereit.

Yeah! I remember, time heals everything.
Yeah! When everybody is dead.
I remember.

We live on a tilted planet.

link to your site

Our planet is tilted.

We're all different, Roger.
That's what makes us interesting.

Güldene Göttin ganz groß


You have a knife in your hands.
You want to kill me.
No, I'm just sharpening this knife.
You have a knife in your hands.
You want to kill me.
No! I don't kill no one!

When is workers' playtime?

Stupidity comes gift wrapped.

arugula pesto  recipe

I like you.
You are almost so little as I am.

He ran like a legged dog.

Wenn du es so meinst, dann muss es wahr sein.

top ten

I'm the king of the dog fathers.

I don't want to hit her.
You want to hit her.
I want to hit her.

Remember to click on next➤ for the next part➤ in multi-part stories.

If you wear a funny thing on your head,
are you funny in the head?

Gestern hatten wir einen bedauerlichen Unfall.

We called him the gravel man because
he got out between the eighth and ninth floors.

Bow to the sacrificial anode!

michaelmas daisies

You hit me!
No! I didn't!
But you wanted to.
No, no way!
You would that I hit you?
But you always hit me.
No! This is our first night together.
You are thinking of other days, other men.
You want to hit me.

Es war alles versplaschert.

Dr Schlagmichtodt is violent.

I've been to Pittsburgh!

It's a hoe is in Schleswig-Holstein.


One day we lost the future!
The calendar on the wall shows three months:
the last, the current and the next month.
The next month part fell off one day into the bin
which the cleaners duly emptied.
Thus we lost our future!

Er läuft auf der Straße, ein LKW hat ihn erwischt, er war tot.

sometimes when

Please write an ode to a slotted spoon!


express train

Sometimes I need your help!

Manchmal brauche ich deine Hilfe.

S'posing I were two deer.

The reason why they wear funny clothes
is because they are funny.

34th of August


After invading Australia Adolf Hitler paid a visit to Ayers Rock and said that he would like a Vegemite sandwich before attacking New Zealand.

how to web



web design links

The term comes from the trail of bread crumbs left by Hansel and Gretel in the popular fairytale.

no such page



Privacy Policy


We live on a tilted planet.


multi-part stories

Schmerzgeschichten  Deutch

worse than poetry

special characters

klebrige Rübensirupgeschichten  Deutch

Print your own Herb and Spice Chart  recipe


link to this site

There was a naked girl lying face down on the bed:
bottoms and bottoms up and bottom free and bottom it

Do you want to print this?
Herb and Spice Chart  recipe

Do you want to print this?

You must not touch the Story Kettle with your bare fingers. Discard it. Take a freshly packed Story Kettle and open the package taking care not to touch the Story Kettle. Extract the Story Kettle with a clean pair of pointed pliers that have been dipped in alcohol, turpentine or isopropanol (not distilled water) and carefully place the Story Kettle in the supplied socket. Repeat the process until: The Story Kettle shines with a clear ray of blue light!

HTML colours

stories to make you cry

picture gallery 3

Erst Hildesheimer, dann Mannheimer und dann Alzheimer.


picture gallery 2


Klick auf den Kessel für Home!

picture gallery 1

stories to make you laugh

software links

Redirection Index

Debbie and Cheby are well and truly dead.
We are living on the other side of the planet with Elvis and the two Perverts.

news links

offcuts 2010 and contact 2008 and contact 2011

Flagge Deutschlands Flagge

new offcuts