Offcuts 2008 from the Story Kettle

Offcuts archive for year 2008

bits and pieces, miscellaneous, odds and ends, jumble, all sorts,
this and that, odds and sods, left overs, sundries, other bits,
bits and bobs, titbits, snippets, recipes

new offcuts
offcuts 2010  2009
offcuts 2007
index of titles
site map

Krims krams, Vermischtes, Rezepte,
Diverses, Sonstiges, Verschiedenes,
Reststücke, Ramsch, Allerlei,
Kontakt         Deutlich Deutsch  Deutch

Click on the kettle for the latest stories!

good read

The difference between a calendar and a colander is the number of holes.



Klick auf den Kessel für Home!

To wake in your arms,
To wear your clothes,
To fall asleep in your arms
And to wash your toes.

Deutschland  Flagge Deutschlands

Verschrottungsgarantie für Politiker erwünscht

I know that it is illegal
but in this part of the country
we like to eat politicians.

Selected links are news links and story links and recipe links and project links and software links and web design links and top ten links.


I'll bring back a spade and
we can bury dead Trousers here.

nicht meine Farbe  Deutch

You pull into a gas station.
The oil is down.
You add oil.
Big flames!

in and around the Story Kettle 2008

If you were a piece of wood
I'd nail you to the floor.

“I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy!”
Yes, well, we've all got our problems.

Kuhsaft ist weiß. Bienenklebe ist süß.

If you can't wait during the day
you will have to burn at night.

Your love is holding me together;
without you I would be in little bits all over the floor.

Some like to have their ears sucked,
some don't.

We are making you ready for Xmas.
Next we are going to rub salt and pepper all over you.
And then you go in the oven.
A big porpoise like you is going to take over ten hours to cook.
Big problem – there is no oven big enough for a porpoise in here;
not even a little one.
I think that next time you should complain about this.

Krise. Welche Krise?

There is a black ball rolling around in my life.

buy me!

Put your head on the rail,
you'll never feel worse.

Ich habe gerade die Sonne gebürstet.

The plain fact is
if you are at the bottom of a heap
you will be shat upon.

I chomp on cold pasta.

WEG: Bedeutet sowohl „Wohnungs­eigentümer­gemeinschaft“ als auch „Wohnungs­eigentums­gesetz“, die tatsächliche Bedeutung der Abkürzung ergibt sich aus dem Text.

aback abaft aboard about above
abreast abroad across afar again
ago ahead ajar aloft along amidst
among apace apart around atop

Normale Leute sind hier nicht erwünscht.

quite mad they could have been
I do not know that now
but I remain

'e 'ad an 'airy bot
'e was an 'airy soul

Sock it to me!
Do you know that “I'm a sock man!”?

Guck durch das Fenster!
Du sagst, welches Fenster?
Du muss das Fenster finden.
Es ist da, nur gucken.
Du wirst durch das Fenster gucken,
du wirst sehen, du wirst verstehen...

I'm dreaming of a black goitre.

Hubby and Wifey

white space

Remove the legs from your turkey,
pin on a hundred chicken drumsticks,
and have roast centipede for Xmas.

Du sprichst so sächlich.
Männer tun so immer –
du kannst es ruhig ignorieren!

Improve German Glühwein – add an English teabag!

Vice are OK for some,
I'm happy with just one vouse.

The saw blade on my arm
makes patterns in my flesh.

Ich bin ein schräger Typ.
Ich stehe hier.
Total schräg!
Ja, ein Bein ist 2 cm kürzer als das andere.

Put cooked rice or gin in your tomato soup. recipe

Glue or tape a high value coin to the floor under the mistletoe
to add to the fun.


I have never eaten my dinner
with my feet in a puddle of water before.

Frikadellen vorbereitet
mit klein gehackten Minzblättern
schmecken „Griechisch“.

waiting for the right moment

Pink reincarnations for your next birthday.

nur ein Ding  Deutch

Roger said “Cheers me dears!”

Tischleuchte statt Tischlampe

Those are witty sayings,
bits of information
or just my mind wandering, mostly.

Schraubendreher statt Schraubenzieher

Plant light bulbs!

narny sandwich recipe
Cut thick slice fresh brown bread,
butter thick,
slice half a banana on top,
sprinkle cinnamon
and mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Stecke zwei extra Beine an deine Gans und
hab einen vierbeinigen Gänsebraten für Weihnachten.

My Grandma's name was Elisheba;
my Grandpa called her Lish (i as in Lie).
I heard Lice, which I thought was short for Alice.

I did as much as I could
and then I skedaddled.

Imagine if you were to stand in an open place
in the middle of a compass rose.
Which way would you turn?

Don't paint your sick room yellow.

Minzsauce  Rezept  Deutch

I own a factory making millions of...
Yes I know!
I want you to know.
I know!
Will you do it tonight?
Any time you want!

I have a chimney pot on my front porch,
with a geranium in it.

Oh ja! So viel Blödelei!

Dance! Dance my ladies! Dance!

Bengal Chutney  recipe

no humour = no human

What would I do?
With a little girl like you?


It takes one
to know one.

What ever happened to Silver Pockets?

Steine pflasterten seinen Weg.

men don't cry – men avoid personal contact

They were bouncing off the walls.

Me? I was born in Bournemouth.

Der Plan entpuppte sich schnell als Räuberpistole.

“a little old lady aged 62”
What do you see?
“a big old whore aged 62”
What do you see?
I only changed two of the words!

kettle – englisches Wort für einen (tragbaren) Kessel,
zum Tee bzw. Fisch kochen.

crazy kettle

boiler – englisches Wort für einen (feststehenden) Kessel,
in einer Fabrik bzw. im Heizkeller.

Get it wrong!

I done it right.

I cooked Lancaster Hot Pot last night.

it's all in here

Are you confused?


Die in your own time!

Mad, mad John!
save her falling down the stairs

This is a pig eating country.

Holes in the head scenarios lead to holes in the head.

Am I bitter and twisted?

Trepanning is a pain.


As a child I once saw a machine that made ring doughnuts.
Is there a machine that makes sausage rolls?


Apparently tidbits is the American word for titbits.

Der Druck war offenbar zu groß.

Some friends of mine adopted a very young baby from Brazil.
The neighbours thought that it would speak Spanish.

It's nice to have a crazy uncle.

Roger left his socks behind

Dieser Mann darf niemals Kanzler werden.

Remember to click on the kettle to go home!


The Lady From The End Of The Road gets examined in the afternoons.


Über die Angst vor Schwarzen Löchern

A little bit of enamel was chipped off.

the man who used hand cream

Als blöder Ausländer fehlen mir oft die Worte.

Be off with you! I've been off for years.

time to toddle home

Words drop out of our mouths like excrement.

Sie hat ein Gesicht wie Rudi Dutschke
aber sie konnte singen.

What are you trying to say?
I'm not trying to say anything.
There is no message.

When he was unhappy,
he would stick a chocolate Father Christmas
up his behind.
It reminded him of happier times.

Americans are hit by a truck,
Brits are run over by a bus,
but the result is the same.

Intubation is not much fun.

Intubulation is not much fun.
Intubation is not much fun either.

Als blöder Ausländer fehlen mir oft die Worte.

The A to Z of Humour

Improve the illumination of your door bell button!

Oma! Weiß Du?

Oh, little town of Butno, how sad to see you die.

Be so kind and
place your uppermost extremity into your lowermost orifice.

leblos  Deutch

He lived on the other side of the bucket.

die Karte  Deutch

Michaelmas is a quarter day.

äöüßÖÄܧ – acht Zeichen

Women and men are not the children of oxen.
The wives cut the calves with knives by themselves.
The thieves stole the loaves from the shelves of the wolves.

Geese have not many teeth and only two feet.

Mice are not lice.

A sheep and a sheep are two sheep.
A deer and a deer and a deer are three deer.
A trout and a trout and a trout and a trout are four trout.

Please no spaghettis nor tortellinies,
see Wikipedia

Er entleerte sein Großensels.

Put a space behind the angel for sorting order in indices.


Wemyss Cats

keine Wahl  Deutch

tasty shotgun

Seine Dienst­stellen­bezeichnung (Dst) war FN1dJ0t.

You have shoes big enough for your megalomania.

Guten Morgen!  Deutch

I had this fantasy:
I was walking down the Chalk Farm Road,
an extremely large cartwheel was spinning horizontally,
and blood was pouring from my fingers.
What did it mean?

Schwangerschaft ist keine Krankheit.

I have learnt that
there are only two of them in humorous.

Oh, this week?
Is it Walmart or is it Aldi with the shower TV?
With the waterproof flat screen and variable speed wipers.

Freddie Frinton trank keinen Alkohol.

He smeared toothpaste on his knees.

bonk is the sound when your head hits something.

What does this mean? Mar 3dress

Donut rises here
In the little town of Donutschlingen is the source of the Donut,
the great river that runs through most of our continent.
The nearby town of Donutquetschen also claims to have
the source of the Donut, a very deep pool which divers say,
reaches almost to the centre of the planet.


You would think that this would drive any normal person crazy,
but Esoc was not normal and had always been crazy.

Es kommt die Schnaken!

how not to cook

Vergaserhandschuhe  Deutch

The Young Man in the supermarket had no past and no future
and was an empty bucket waiting to be filled.

Summer time – and the repeats are so easy!


Wiederholungen noch mal!

Bielefeld  Deutch

Tracy's mother is a witch.

Aladdin  Deutch

oclonophone – Every home needs one.

Curate's egg

Männer haben eine eingebaute Kleckerautomat.

My legs are bare.  Paint them black!
My legs are bare.  Paint them gold!
Who did it to you. Paint them red!

James does not exist.
When he does he gets eaten.

Kesselsuppe  Deutch

Haematoad – middle aged man covered with nasty bruises.

Ich habe es bis hier. Ich habe die Nase voll.

The shorthand for love is short.

Zum kotzen! Aber nicht in einem Vomitorium!

zu spießig  Deutch

If you read Genesis 1
you may discover two truths:
  God made the world.
  How God made the world.
Which is more important?
Which is important?

Er kam gedackelt herein.

I was sitting by the canal
when someone came by
with an animal on a lead.
It was a ferret.
Oh, yes! I was back in England.

Cheddar  Deutch

You can cry over everyone except yourself.
You can laugh at everyone especially yourself.

What I like about cat construction kits is that
you don't have to put the legs on.

Dir ist es nicht erlaubt abzuleben.

It's your humour that makes you human.

I thought that the German word for wood was Derrick.

The ability to laugh at yourself is mandatory.

blumenhaft  Deutch

bouncy, bouncy

immer das gleiche  Deutch

I was a strange person made of bricks and stones.

What colour is an oclonophone ?
It depends on the day of the week.

Ich schäle vegetarisch.

old stuff

Ich singe vegetarisch.


Ich trinke vegetarisch.

There are mattresses in the bath.

Ich benutze nur Worte.

The English language has changed so much –
even the word gullible is gone,
not even in the dictionary any more.


I'm glad I'm not a DWEM –
it's the D bit that I don't like.

Ich bin der Seelentsorger vom Dienst.

there is no way in
and no way out
just forever

Starkbahn  Deutch

Blackbirds sing the best,
but only eat the legs.

Heute, keine Ahnung!


Zetletchen oder Zittlööschen  Deutch

in praise of parsnips
(not to confused with Hamburg parsley)

Pastinaken sind keine Petersilienwurzeln.

While you are reading this
small creatures are crawling up your legs.

Herzliche Beleidigung!

Do you expect to understand what is written here?

In einem Land wo die Beine überflüssig sind.

I am standing in a dark room.
I look out on a lit corridor.
I understand everything.

Ich werde nie Bundespräsidentin, weil ich Skat nicht spiele.

I want shepherds pie with real shepherd in it.

Gleichzeitiges Rauchen und Atmen nicht erlaubt!

Flying is for the birds.

Betrug: Es gibt nicht viel Jäger in einem Jägerschnitzel.

Italian Flag  recipe

Heidelbergerverhältnisse  Deutch

Slugs for tea is not so good.

Frauen machen sich nicht hübsch,
Frauen machen sich hübscher!

I think synchronised kicking should be an Olympic sport;
there are enough politicians to practise on.

Nicht hupen – Fahrer blind!

If you have nothing to hide
you must be boring.

Ich habe keine Vorurteile, ich verarsche alle Leute.

Nigel could do anything but open a can of beans.

Gehen Sie fort, und multiplizieren Sie sich!

I laugh at my own jokes, I must be stupid.

Der Dichter, der hatte keine Ahnung.

big girl

Guck einem Gauleiter nie ins Hinterloch!

Get it wrong!

Dahin gehen wo wir Mitternacht nicht hingehen wollten.

just don't!

Ich bedanke mich ausführlich!

mostly this
but sometimes something else

Schmeiß' das Essen auf den Boden,
sonst kriegst du keine Spurenelemente.

There are two types of politician:
the A-hole who does things and
the A-hole who doesn't do things.
The first sort is probably better.

Flagge Belgiens  Flagge

Humour is like a dead dog on the path.
It may make you laugh or shock you.
But very few people will cut it open
to find out what's inside.

how not to PC 3

Küß die Pfote, gnädiges Weib!

get a head

Lesen im Wald  Deutch

In the morning I go outside and throw a glass of red wine,
unfinished from the evening before, over the flower bed
as in Gormenghast.

Minze  Rezept  Deutch

I got a nice notepad for my birthday,
at the top of every page was printed:
from the desk of Attila the Hun

Politikerpolizei = PoPo

It is better to hang together, than to hang separately.
This however does not apply to politicians;
they can be hanged together or separately.

How up do high knees!

what did I say?

My English teacher used to swear:
Omsk, Tomsk and Vladivostok!

Es ist unverschämt, wie Frauen es ausnutzen,
dass Männer Kinder geblieben sind.

Open Day

Wo ist Oslo in der Tschechoslowakei?

Time had a start.
Had time an end?

Defenestration for all politicians!

Dürfen Vögel menschen?

As a little boy I had difficulty doing up my shirt buttons.
So, I used to ask my Mother for help
and she said (engage deep voice):
You are old enough and ugly enough to do it yourself.

Only a wise man can be wrong
all of the time.

Every one has the right to make mistakes.
It's just that some people overuse it.

got a problem?

Ich habe alle Tassen, bloß der Schrank fehlt.

Violence is fun,
but makes a mess on the carpet.

JASOND always comes late in the year.

He was 57 years old,
so they called him Heinz.

Gute Kneipen haben einen Handlauf 20 cm über dem Boden.

do it yourself

And the best bit always comes last –
I hope that you too can fall asleep
in the arms of your lover tonight.

Die beste Fernseh­fern­bedienung ist ein Ziegelstein.

how not to PC 2

Komisch schon, aber bösartig bestimmt nicht!

golden potatoes  recipe

Kuhsaft ist weiß. Bienenklebe ist süß.

pig in apple  recipe

Gesundheit ist richtig, aber man sollte es genießen.


new offcuts
offcuts 2010  2009
offcuts 2007
index of titles
Deutlich Deutsch  Deutch