old jokes 2

An offcut from the Story Kettle

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Copyright © 2020, Michael M Wayman

A funny story is not a story, but a joke. See not funny and funny clothes

When someone spills the beans on you;
you will probably have to face the music,
and maybe take the rap.

What wobbles when it flies?
A jellycopter.

What fish sings songs?
A tuna fish.

Where are whales weighed?
At a whale weigh station.

If your clock strikes thirteen, what time is it?
Time to get a new clock.

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a curtain.
Doctor: Pull yourself together!

Two Irishmen stranded on an iceberg:
Oh! We are saved! I can see a ship.
What's it called?
It's the Titanic.

Programer's joke:
We produce error-free programs.
We also lie a lot.

Given half a chance
your computer would hate you.

Don't anthropomorphise computers. They don't like it.

Project Management:
Take the time estimate, raise it to the next unit of time, and double it. So when the programmer says it will take two weeks plan for four months.

A tidy desk is the sign of an empty mind.

My dog can jump 3 meters high.
My dog can jump as high as our house.
I don't believe that.
Yes he can; but then again our house can't jump very high.

Save water! Shower with a friend!

What goes up a chimney down
but won't go down a chimney up?

Dead men have no tails.

Go forth and multiply yourself!

But my children have no tail lights.

Don't eat yellow snow!

Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards?

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

Only Superman wears his underpants on the outside.

Wun Tun Soup is heavy.

Next week is the Xmas party, children.
Please Miss, when is next week?

Did you hear about the Irishman who fell out of the window ironing the curtains.

Did you hear about the Irishman who put a clean pair of socks on every day?
At the end of the week he couldn't get his boots on.

Been out washing the car with my son.
He said "Dad why don't you use a sponge like the other dads?"

Cups and glasses are made so large that you cannot swallow them by mistake.

Why is a word processor so named?
What does a food processor do to food?

When a woman says that she won't be a minute - she means it.

Pedestrians do it standing up!

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bear

Put your foot in your mouth - where it belongs.

I'm sorry I'm late three.

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and all things nice.
That's what little girls are made of.
What are little boys made of?
Slugs and snails and puppy dog tails.
That's what little boys are made of.

Finnglish (a notice in a hotel in Helsinki):
If you pay the waitress the bill, you must sign her on the backside.

If God had intended us to smoke
he would have fitted us with chimneys.

How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke his eyes out!

What is black and keeps bumping into pianos?
Ray Charles.

How do you make a Maltese cross?
Tread on his toes!

How do you make a Maltese cross?
Poke his eyes out!

How much does a Grecian urn?
2000 Drachma.

The longest journey starts by buying a ticket.

Only a wise man can be wrong all of the time.

You have to close a door before you can open it.

As a little boy I had difficulty doing up my shirt buttons.
So, I used to ask my Mother for help
and she said (engage deep voice)
You are old enough and ugly enough to do it yourself.

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated on the ground
The Angel of the Wash came down
And gave them all a scrub.

What is that great gaping hole in your face just below your nose?

What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?
A girl.

A man may not marry his mother-in-law.
Lord have mercy upon us and incline our hearts to keep this law.

If I was his mum I'd be enquiring about post natal abortions.

Defenestration for all politicians.

It's a sad day today – another politician born.

A funny story is not a story, but a joke. See not funny and funny clothes