Xmas tips

An offcut from the Story Kettle

StoryKettle » Offcuts » Xmas tips

Copyright © 2009, Michael M Wayman

Soap and Candles get harder as they get older. Old soap lasts longer. Old candles burn longer and drip less. Buy Xmas candles in January!

Xmas tree

Angel Table – Put all of your angel ornaments on a tray or a (small) table: angel table

Xmas RecipesAdvent Apple recipe

Improve German Glühwein – add an English teabag! For a change use white wine or apple juice (non-alcoholic).

Leg it!   Remove the legs from your turkey, pin on a hundred chicken drumsticks, and have roast centipede for Xmas.

How to Baste – Use a kitchen brush to paint the juices (fat etc.) from the pan all over the potatoes and on top of the bird. The brushes with the wobbly coloured silicone frilly bits are the best. For smaller (dry) birds you can place a rasher or two of bacon on top of the bird. For bigger birds a baster is good to remove unneeded juices (and prevent a fire) and to baste the bird. A baster is a big glass pipette with a rubber bulb.

Too Much of the Xmas Spirit – We are making you ready for Xmas. Next we are going to rub salt and pepper all over you. And then you go in the oven. A big porpoise like you is going to take over ten hours to cook. Big problem – there is no oven big enough for a porpoise in here; not even a little one. I think that next time you should complain about this.

Xmas StoriesThe Curate's Christmas and Jennffer and Kandy and Jennffer and Xmas and do something! and Advent Apple recipe and Keyboards at Xmas and angel table and soap and candles and Nottingham's Xmas Tale and Paul's Xmas und Weihnachten woanders

Xmas Deco – Have you been given some lovely red candles with mauve stripes on a green stand? Or was it a group of plastic angels playing the saxophone? Or was it a battery operated mother doll washing her baby in a tub. They are just too beautiful to use at Xmas. Why not donate them?
Last Xmas I took my wonderfully carved wooden Adventskranz for 4 candles and placed it on a window sill where everybody could see it in the building where I work (or hotel or clubhouse or pub or where ever) and said nothing to anybody about it. The next day there were three candles on it, day after some green branches around it, then four candles, four completely different candles. I last saw it in February.

  In the first class at school:
  teacher:  
Next week is the Xmas party, children.
  little voice:  
Please Miss, when is next week?

Scrapbook – The year had just begun, the cold turkey treatment was finished, the carcass hung in the apple tree for the birds to pick at, the Xmas tree was gone, the weather was inclement, the Xmas cards lay in a heap and we kids were bored.
Mum knew what to do, she always did, a big pot of glue, scissors, and a scrap book. The scrap book was a large book of empty pages made of coarse paper. We kids sat down, cut the interesting bits out of the Xmas cards and stuck them together as big pictures in the scrapbook.
Creative collages? No! These days being creative is knowing not to put your finger up your nose but to wipe it on your internet-connection-facility.

Toby's Xmas – Every year my mother gives me boxer shorts for Xmas. I don't box so I give them to charity. Later I discovered that they were underwear, I still give them to charity.

Bad Xmas – One day, it was good, or it was supposed to be good. Was it Xmas? My Father had bought us something nice to eat. Outside it was raining, raining hard, we could hear it. My Father unwrapped it, we should have been happy. The rain was too much for our shack and the roof fell in. The dirty rainwater washed everything away and ruined everything.

Jim's Xmas – Jim did the “How easy it is to get started” display. How to take a Xmas present of a model train set, a few model buildings, some wire netting, some green paper and a few other bits and pieces and make a nice layout on the kitchen table – it was a proper layout because it had a tunnel. Jim did it in 30 minutes, wrapped it up again in 5 minutes and did it again and again.

Keyboards at Xmas – Central and eastern European QWERZ countries tend to celebrate Xmas on the 24th of December, Christmas Eve; English-speaking QWERTY countries on the 25th.