tips

an offcut from the StoryKettle.com

Bird table?
Use an old large plastic chopping board from the kitchen. Easy-to-clean after the birds have shat on it and doesn't hurt your head when gardening.

Don't paint your sick room yellow!

Take the rings off your fingers before you artificially inseminate a horse.

If you gut chickens all day you will have nice hands.

What if they are not big enough?
Put each one for five minutes completely in your lover's mouth every day.

Soap and candles get harder as they get older. Old soap lasts longer. Old candles burn longer and drip less.

Brush your teeth with the other hand from time to time,
even if you use an electric toothbrush.

Chilli con Carne
is a spicy stew made from chilli peppers,
minced/chopped/ground meat, garlic, onions,
and cumin. TIP: use chunks of meat instead.

Add cooked white rice or gin to your tomato soup!

Narny sandwich
Cut thick slice fresh brown bread, butter thick, slice half a banana on top, sprinkle cinnamon and mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Improve German Glühwein – add an English teabag!

Remove the legs from your turkey, pin on a hundred chicken drumsticks, and have roast centipede for Xmas.

Other Xmas tips

Wedding tip: hire a choir

Hutch's rule:
First the salt and then the vinegar!

Spoon rest? Use a teaspoon!

Boil root vegetables with cold water,
other vegetables in water that is already boiling.

Other recipe tips and a one-page Herb and Spice Chart to print out.

Got cholera? Got diarrhoea? Drink this!
  1 level teaspoon salt and
  8 level teaspoons sugar in
  1 litre of clean drinking water

how to baste – Use a kitchen brush to paint the juices (fat etc.) from the pan all over the potatoes and on top of the bird. The brushes with the wobbly coloured silicone frilly bits are the best. For smaller (dry) birds you can place a rasher or two of bacon on top of the bird. For bigger birds a baster is good to remove unneeded juices (and prevent a fire) and to baste the bird. A baster is a big glass pipette.

BIRTHDAY CALENDAR

Have you played Gas Masks?

My English teacher used to swear: Omsk, Tomsk and Vladivostok!

colours and DIY and web design and how to

Stuck in the bath? Try hanging rope and trap.