how not to cook

an offcut from the StoryKettle.com

If you put a can of baked beans on the hot plate it will explode and make a mess on the ceiling and hurt you.

If your grill pan gets full of fat after grilling sausages and bacon the fat will burn. Throw water on it and the flames will blacken everything, especially the ceiling.

Before leaving the house for a few days remember to turn everything off, especially the refrigerator and the freezer.

If you share a flat with others remember to leave a pan of slowly boiling brussel sprouts in the kitchen before you leave for a few days (or years). You can also glue brussel sprouts to the undersides of tables or chairs. Prawns are even better.