I can’t move. I’m tightly bound in my bright red, restraining suit. I can’t move anything but my eyelids; there’s a lock in my mouth.
Johnnie was in a hurry, he’s forgotten to put the padlock on the main zip; perhaps if I wriggle a bit I could get my hand out and then…
I rolled and crawled over the floor to the kitchen, Florence, my daughter, can see me, but she hasn’t said anything for days. I manage to get a zip caught on a drawer handle and BOOMF, one of my legs is free.
Off comes the silly red suit and I go straight to my bedroom. At the back of my undies drawer is my cache of sweet corn – CRUNCH, CRUNCH – I’ve eaten them all. Do I feel good? YES! Do I feel violent? YES! Am I going to scream? Yes, after I get that stupid mouth lock out of my mouth.
I scream and look in the full length mirror. What do I see? My mammary mountains are bigger than ever. I got ‘em from my mother, funny that Florence hasn’t got ‘em. I decide to weaponise ‘em. I swing ‘em round, the left one hits first, then the right one hits the left one for a follow-up bash on the table lamp. Total destruction – I’ve never liked that lamp.
Next test – my husband. I creep up behind him lying on a sofa. WHAM! BAM! Direct hit – he looks at me in a funny way.
Next test – Larry. I creep up behind him lying on a sofa. WHAM! BAM! Direct hit – he looks at me in an alarmed way. Good, I wop him again. I’m sure he likes it, he did like giving me a good paddling in the cemetery last year. WHAM! BAM! I wop him again.
In comes Johnnie, “What are doing, Olive?” He bends down to pick up the bright red, restraining suit… But I double hit him on the head and immediately again to the other side of his head. He collapses on the floor and I go and give Larry what he really needs – three times two.
I look round to see what Johnnie needs, but he is not there – he must have crawled out of the room. Never mind, I can have my fun with Larry and my husband, George. It’s wonderful what you do if you have a good pair of ding‑dongers.
Well, that was great fun, maybe Johnnie will be back soon and then I can have more fun. Just then two men in white coats come in – one short and one tall. I go towards the shorty and give him both barrels twice – he collapses on the floor. I feel a sharp pain in my left cheek… And a lot of nothing.