granny and the three zombies

He always blasted us to pieces.

StoryKettle » GRANNY » granny and the three zombies

Copyright © 2014, Michael M Wayman

The sun shone through the window early that Sunday morning, outside it was not yet warm, but it was warm and cuddly in bed with Johnnie. I saw three faces peering in the window, three horrible faces.

They were zombies, I knew it, I had seen zombies on TV, funny it was the wrong time of the year for Halloween. Two horrible faces at the bottom of the window and a third held higher by two arms. Johnnie got up and asked them what they wanted.

“It's very nice what you're doing.” said the bottom left face. “We like nice things, can we come in?” We heard the whole story, how unhappy they had been and how they escaped. “We were s'posed to eat him, but we never got close to him, he always blasted us to pieces, no fun in that.”

Across the road lived a teenager who slept all day and played computer games all night, but last night he had fallen asleep while playing a shoot-em-up zombie game and the three zombies had got out. “It's very nice being here...”

“Let's go for a walk.” Johnnie chucked me my clothes and put some things into a bag. The three zombies staggered down the street with us. “Hey, you guys, can't you walk properly? Watch me! I bend my knees, it's much more comfortable and it stops your head hitting the lamp posts. Try it!”

They tried it, they liked it, they still looked horrible. “Oh, yes, very nice.”

“Hey, you guys, what's your names? What are you called?” No surprise, no names. “What's names?” Johnnie pointed at the zombie that did most of the talking. “Tom, you are Tom. And you are Dick. You with the detached head, Harry.”

“That's the three of you: Tom, Dick and Harry.” I managed not to say Harry the Head.

“What's that noise?” The birds were singing. “That Tom, is the birds, it's a nice noise, isn't it? Look up there, you can see a bird flying through the air, but most of them are in the trees.” Harry put his head on the end of a long stick and stuck it up a tree to see the birds. The birds flew away.

Johnnie pulled a red apple out of his bag and chucked it at Tom. It hit Tom and fell to the ground. He picked it up. “What's this?” “An apple, you eat it.” “Eat it?” Johnnie took another apple and ate it. Tom ate his apple. “Very nice.” Dick wanted one and got one. Harry didn't want one, he had a certain disconnect between mouth and stomach.

Johnnie pulled a comb out of his bag and combed his hair. “You could do this.” He gave it to Tom, who combed his tangled hair for ten minutes. He did look better, a little bit. Dick and Harry tried it too, though Harry was bald.

Johnnie took three sweaters out of his bag with the name of his company SCHMATZPO on them. “Tom put your head in that hole and out that hole and get your arms out those holes.” This took some time.

“Very nice.” said Tom. “Very nice.” said Dick. “Very nice.” said Harry.

“You know what, Harry? You would look better with your head back in place, before you put your sweater on.” Harry said that he had tried to screw his head back on, but without success.

“Tom and Dick, pick up Harry's head and put it on his neck. Yeah, that's it. Move it half a turn in the wrong direction. And now very carefully in the right direction...”

I was certain Harry's head would end up facing backwards. It was getting sillier and sillier. When would the dream stop and I wake up?

I woke in bed with Johnnie wrapped around me, very nice. “Where are Tom, Dick and Harry?” Johnnie said that they had gone to discover the world by themselves.

A week later I met the teenager in the street. He looked unhappy and pale and was looking for something. “You should get out more, get some sunlight and some vitamin D.” He showed me a picture, had I seen them. “That's Tom, Dick and Harry. They have gone to discover the world.” He looked at me and cried.