granny and the sardines

His innards are oily.

StoryKettle » GRANNY » granny and the sardines

Copyright © 2012, Michael M Wayman

The phone rings, “Hello granny!”

“How yer doing, Florence?”

“OK, really. But big problem with Olive and George.”

“What's my daughter done now?”

“She's had a big row with Dad, really big.”

The phone rings, “Hello Mother!”

“Oh, it's you Olive, everything OK?”

“NO! George is just impossible, he's just too...”

“Just too what?”

“Oh, you know, He's too old for me.”

“But Olive, you and George have been married for over twenty years.”

The phone rings, “Hello Bill!”

“Hello Larry! How yer doing?”

“Well, I was alright until I met your stepdaughter in the cemetery.”

“Stepdaughter? Oh, you mean Olive. No, no, no! She's the daughter of my girlfriend, that's all. She's almost twice my age...”

“Yeah and don't I know it? I often go for a walk at lunchtime in the cemetery if it's not raining. She probably knows that. Anyway yesterday she comes right up to me wearing a pea green blouse and a very short salmon pink skirt and...”

“Hello Larry! Nice to meet you. You're looking good, young, modern and open to everything. Just like me. Why don't we sit down on this bench and talk about interesting things together?”

“I don't know why I did it. I sat down, she sat down, she told me how handsome I was and and and...”

“And what?”

“To cut a long and embarrassing story short I put her across my knees and spanked her.”

“Good idea, Larry!”

“Oh, have a heart, Bill! Me smacking a woman twice my age in the cemetery, a married woman too. And it gets worse. She liked it. She wants me to do it again.”

“I'm afraid Olive is and always was a problem.”

“Bill, she needs help, I need help, but promise me one thing, that you won't tell anybody about this, please!”

“OK, OK, Larry.”

The phone rings, “Hello Thelma!”

“Hello Ethel, what's new?”

“Oh, all sorts of things, but first I must tell you about Olive.”

“What's my daughter done now?”

“My neighbour saw her yesterday in the cemetery getting a paddling from a young man.”

“A paddling?”

“Yeah, she was lying across his lap and he was whacking her behind with his hand.”

The phone rings, “Hello granny!”

“Sorry, this is Bill, granny will be back soon, how yer doing, Florence?”

“OK, really. But big problem with Olive.”

“What's she done now?”

“She's kicked George out of the house. I worried about Dad. Can you do something? I don't know where he is now.”

I know what to do and I know where to go and I know who I am. I'm Bill the Super Hero. I get two cans of sardines, with skin and in olive oil, and put them on the table. I had bought them to make a fish pâté for the next party. I open them.

In comes granny, “What's going on? What are doing with those sardines, Johnnie?”

“I'm Bill the Super Hero and I'm going to rescue George and take him back to the dragon.” I eat all of the sardines with a big spoon.

“What's going on? Olive is out of her mind and you are halfway there...”

“Darling, Light of my Life, please drive me downtown.”

“OK, we're downtown, in the worse part of town, what do I do now, Johnnie?”

“Drop me off at the end of this street, drive back home AND DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME.” I kissed her, got out of the car and walked into the worse bar in the whole town.

The men are all losers. Life had taken their teeth and left them, the men, behind. I won't say anything about the women. George is here, sitting by himself at the end of the bar downing doubles. I sit down next to him and drink some beers. He says his usual nothing and I say nothing.

The sardines work, the oily stuff coats my guts and stops the alcohol working. After some time George talks, the story of his life, twice, and then some more.

I wait for him to fall off his barstool, then I order a taxi and take George home. I open the front door with his keys and push him inside. He stumbles and falls, but too late I've thrown in the keys and the door is shut. I disappear.

I bumped into Larry in the Main Street a few days later. “Why did you tell Florence what I did to her mother?” he roared.

I thought that he was going to punch me out. “No, Larry. Someone saw you, told granny about it and Florence found out about it.”

“Too right, she found out about it. I was down the pub and everyone was there, but not you. Florence told the story alright. How an awful young man had attacked her mother and laid into her bottom with his huge hand. And worse than that, in the cemetery.”

“It got worse, she pointed at me. All the guys laughed and the girls were all disgusted. Did I feel bad. Do you know what she did then?”


“She said that her mother had deserved it and that she was pleased that I had done that. She sat on my lap and said that I was taking her to the concert in the park the next day and...”

“And what, Larry?”

“It was very good.”

The phone rings, “Hello Mother!”

“Oh, it's you Olive, everything OK?”

“NO! George is just impossible, he came back drunk last night, threw up on the lovely dining room carpet, and then he spoke to me. I mean, he really spoke to me.”

“Good thing too! After twenty years together you two must have a lot to talk about. Get on with it! It's good for you, really!”

“Oh, and chuck that carpet out, I've always hated it.”

“You're wonderful, Johnnie! Olive and George are back together and even Florence seems to be happier than usual. I didn't know you liked sardines so much.”

“There is only one thing I like.” I put my arms around her. “And that's you, granny.”