I must tell you, everything is odd, everything is out of sequence, I don't exist.
It was the end of our day, we were going home, there were loud noises from upstairs, from the bedroom. There was Mrs Hampton with a man on top of her.
What a climax, did Handtoo do the right thing? She clapped her hands, so I clapped mine. What a performance, we had to applaud. “Bravo, very good, wonderful, make Mrs Hampton happy, oh yes, wonderful!” we shouted.
The man rolled off and stared at us. Mrs Hampton looked very happy. The man looked both happy and surprised. Mrs Hampton was still happy. “This is my husband, Thomas.”
“Oh, hello, Thomas. You're doing really well there, making Mrs Hampton happy. That's very important, but I'm sure you know that. It's very important to us too, making Mrs Hampton happy, you know.” I put my arms around him. “You're very nice, Thomas. Oh yes. Handtoo likes you too.” Handtoo had put her arms around Mrs Hampton.
“Oh yes, we like you very much. You know what, Thomas? Use your imagination and think of something very good, very special; and I will do it to you. I will even, if you want, suck your big toe.”
Wow, she was the right one, she ticked all the boxes, everything on our list and much more. Handtoo was even more excited. We had to run to catch up with her.
We had waited outside the boutique for oversized ladies' clothing for days for the right one. She had to be big, very big. She had to be lady-like. She had to be old enough and have enough experience. She had to have something between the ears.
She had bought some red underwear, interesting. She went to her car and unlocked it. I knew what to say, but I couldn't. She got in. I opened the passenger's door and said “Please!” That was all I could say, pretty useless really.
What I was supposed to say was “Good morning, Mrs Hampton. You look so good today. You are going to be so pleased to have met Handtoo and me. We are going to change your life. Just let us into your life and we will...” And so on and so on, but all I could do was look at her in the face and say “Please!”
Handtoo looked at me as if I were made of farthings, I probably am, and got into the back of the car. I got into the car feeling like a half-eaten banana.
“I suppose you two want to mug me and take my valuables?”
“Oh, no. We don't want to do that. You are right. You are valuable.”
“I suppose you want to rape me, then?”
“Oh, no, Mrs Hampton, we are going to make you happy. Please drive to your home and we will make you happy.”
She looks good, even from this angle. She is as far away from me as she can be. I can only see her back. I know everything about her that she knows. She is very good.
Oh, no! Two men wearing funny hats are asking her questions. She shows them some papers. They are not pleased. They shout at her. They rush at her. One of them is holding handcuffs. There is a scuffle. She is not there.
Very soon one of the men is handcuffed to the railings around the staircase. She is sitting on the edge of the fountains in the middle of the shopping mall. She watches. The other man rushes at her, he goes straight through her and falls into the water.
Two other men wearing other funny hats lift him out of the water. The three talk. One of them rushes after her. She has had enough and leaves the shopping mall through a glass panel. The man bangs his nose on the glass.
I don't know where Handtoo is, probably not far behind me. Suddenly two men wearing funny hats stop me and demand to see my papers.
What papers? I show them the copy of the Daily Grind and the National Destructor that I have just bought for Mrs Hampton. “No, no, your ID or passport or driving licence, please.”
What are they? “I am an officer of the National Immigration Service and I arrest you as a suspected illegal immigrant. You are going to jail.”
Handtoo grabs my hand and lets me know that jail is really boring. “No, I'm not interested, try someone else.”
The two men are not happy, even I can see this. One of them tries to put a pair of handcuffs on me. As I am not there, the handcuffs fall to the ground. The two of them try again with the handcuffs. Soon one of them is handcuffed to the railings around the staircase in the middle of the shopping mall.
Handtoo laughs, so I laugh too. The two men are not happy. They insist that I go with them to jail.
I walk through the next wall. Oh, it's not an office, no, it's the men's lavatory. I appear through a urinal which causes all the men to gaze at me and piss on their trousers. I walk out through the turnstiles, a man tries to follow me but the steel turnstile hits him hard between the legs.
I'm going home now to play with Mrs Hampton.
I leave the shopping mall, Handtoo is somewhere behind me. She must be, she cannot be more than forty metres away from me. She has all our shopping in a bag.
Suddenly two men wearing funny hats grab me, or try to. “Get in there!” they scream.
It is a dark car with flashing lights, quite pretty really. Perhaps I would get a ride home, so I get in. “Hey, wait for Handtoo! We can't go without her.”
They don't want to wait for Handtoo. The driver hits the gas pedal and the car drives slowly back into the stopping mall and jams in the glass, revolving doors. Handtoo must have gone back into the mall.
I'm doing alright for myself, I think so, especially as I don't exist.
I've been with Handtoo for four weeks now and I can't remember anything else, so I must be four weeks old.
As I said, I'm doing alright. I look like a young woman, I suppose. Just like Handtoo, just as pretty, but blond. Handtoo has black hair. She is a big girl just like me.
I can talk to other people, I've learnt that. But mostly I talk only to Handtoo. Handtoo only speaks to me. She says that she can talk with her mouth, but she does not want to, so she doesn't. I don't either.
Next week I'm going to hear Handtoo speak two words with her mouth, this is going to be a surprise for me.
Of course talking without using your mouth is quite useful, especially when you are doing wisdom teeth tap-dancing.
I told you that I am a big girl just like Handtoo. I suppose I want everybody to see me as someone just like Handtoo. Not that Handtoo cares, though she likes me, she knows all about me, she knows that I don't really exist, but she still likes me, which is very nice.
I told you that I am a big girl just like Handtoo and that was the problem. We, that is Handtoo and me, want someone to play with. We decided on a girl who looked about our age, but average size.
She liked it, she didn't want to stop, but we found it not so good, she was boring, she was too small. We discovered that average size means midget. Sorry, all you people of average size, I don't want to insult you, but you are boringly small. Sorry about that.
Handtoo says that I am being rather harsh. So again, sorry that I'm so harsh and honest about things.
Handtoo and I were standing in a big wooden box in the middle of the room.
“The charged person has the name Handtoo, but I can't find the charge sheet, your Honour.”
“Well find it! I've never had the Clerk of the Court lose a charge sheet before. I'll give you five minutes, no more.”
The man with small balls of string on his head turned to Handtoo “What is your name and address?”
I replied without opening my mouth “Handtoo lives with Mrs Hampton.”
“Handtooth, is that your first or second name? Let the woman speak for herself. And who are you anyway?”
“Handtoo has only one name, she won't speak to you and I don't have a name.”
“Sergeant, take this silly woman away. And you, Handtooth, I want your full name and address, otherwise it's contempt of court, which means a night in the cells. You don't want jail do you?”
The man with the funny hat made a grab for me and found himself on the floor. He tried again. “You're wasting your time, I'm not here.” I was wasting my time, nothing can stop these men with funny hats.
“Order, order, order! Clerk of the Court, write an arrest order, contempt of court, for Miss, er, Miss Smith. You're got a name now, I've just given you...”
That was a big mistake, the man with the balls of string on his head was disconnected. No sound, no sight, no touch, no smell. All because he wanted to give me a name.
Handtoo and I left. I walked through the man with the funny hat.
handtoo – very good – shopping mall – useful – me – source of power – Handtoo me? strange – me handtoo? strange
These are the first things I can remember. Some things were very clear, Handtoo is very good and very lovely, the shopping mall is very important and so is the source of power. However the big problem, what is me? Is me Handtoo? Or is Handtoo me? Or is me not Handtoo?
Sometime later I discovered that me is not Handtoo, that is Handtoo and me are two, new idea, two. Another new idea, I don't exist.
Other things, there are other things here in the shopping mall, the things are loud, the things are like Handtoo. However Handtoo and other things are many, another new idea.
I've got a lot to learn. Handtoo and me, mmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I must learn what the other things are loud. Handtoo is not loud.
I've got a lot to learn. Handtoo and me, mmmmmmmmmmmmm.
“Don't sit on that!” Too late, I sit on the large dinner plate, I don't know why, I just do it.
WOW! Up I fly, up to the roof of the shopping centre. I fly through the girders just under the roof. I swoop down towards the shoppers. What fun! Up and down and round and round. No time for the big white stripe, my cardiac sphincter holds everything in place.
This is great, why do all the shoppers ignore me? Have they seen this all before at the movies? Do they think it's a trick? Or they just don't want to know – it's not possible – don't believe it – ignore it.
What fun! Up and down and round and round.
Suddenly I'm sitting on a bench between Handtoo and her. The large dinner plate is hovering above my head out of reach.
“Ooh, you are nice, Mrs Hampton. Isn't she nice, Handtoo?”
All I could see was a bottom, a very large bottom, it was Handtoo's bottom. I'm an expert on bottoms, I really like them, especially big bottoms.
I think that it was the usual heap of the wife, Handtoo and her, but I could only see Handtoo's bottom. The room was up to my waist in love, big lumps of love moving slowly about, mostly pale coloured.
A soft and gentle voice in my head. “Hello Thomas, lovely that you are here. We are just bringing Mrs Hampton to the boil. Please undress and sit down.”
I lowered myself into the love and landed on something soft. A hand reached out and brought me to the boil.
Mrs Hampton is very nice, she is lovely lovely lovely, she's covered in lovely bits, real love-handles and more, just real big where it counts. We do love her so, that's Handtoo and me.
And that's not all, last week Mrs Hampton sat on the source of power. I didn't think that was a good idea, but the source of power just flew Mrs Hampton all round the shopping mall, it was such fun.
I think the source of power likes Mrs Hampton too.