Siggi's not a dog

There is a handrail five centimetres above the floor.

StoryKettle » THE CAT » Siggi's not a dog

Copyright © 2020, Michael M Wayman

The cat goes in a bar, Siggi, the bartender asks him if he wants his usual, the cat nods. The bartender puts a bowl of vodka and milk on the bartop, it’s not the sort of bar where you could drink on the floor, though there is a handrail five centimetres above the floor all around the bar, it’s that sort of bar.

The cat laps his drink and looks around, he recognises nobody. Chicken Fish and Too Porker have seen him and wander over to the bar and speak to him. A commotion, somebody not being polite to Siggi, who gets upset “I’m not some kind of dog you know, I serve the drinks here.”

Chicken Fish notices something odd, the cat is very large and never moves its mouth. It also replies before you have finished speaking, something odd.

The cat does not explain and who are Chicken Fish and Too Porker? Rather odd, a bit dim, a bit sneaky, a bit none too honest, an odd pair of humans. Perhaps they would be good for his next TV show…

It was Chicken Fish who spoke, “I got job for you, cat. You got claws and all. And you know to use ‘em?” The cat nodded. “I want you rough up this guy, he plenty bad.”

The cat looks at the picture, the cat recognises the man, he certainly is none too nice, he is on the cat’s to‑do list, he is the chief constable of East Province and worth 40,000.

The cat has an account at the bar and orders a round of drinks for the three of them. The cat demands to know why they want the man damaged. No answer. No problem, the cat goes for a long walk in the two men’s minds. Just as he thought, they had done time and somehow that man was involved. Another round.


“You know what, Angie? Somebody in Siggi’s Bar offered me 40,000 to rough up a guy. What do you think?”

“Providing he’s evil and nasty, why not? But you can’t accept the money – it would be bad for your image.”


Two days later Angie reads the report from the Black Corner Group about the chief constable to the cat. The chief constable is bad, but not that bad. A good thumping or a “voluntary” resignation or both is all that was needed.

Angie drives the cat to the Police Praesidium in the provincial capital. The cat knows where to go – though he neither speaks nor reads nor listens – he just knows where to go.

And there sits the chief constable at his desk. The cat introduces himself, jumps onto the desk and lists the chief constable’s bad ways. The cat offers three choices: a good thumping or a “voluntary” resignation or both. The game is up, the chief constable resigns.


Chicken Fish and Too Porker are very impressed. “Here’s the first instalment of the money.” The cat lets the bundle fall on the floor, he is none too handy with his paws. The cat tells the two men to give the money to a good charity and orders another round.