Mr Loudmouth

He was a bully; he hit people. Keep out of his way!

StoryKettle » Amy » Mr Loudmouth

Copyright © 2017, Michael M Wayman

Amy watched. The young men raced around the football field after the ball. Amy watched Jimmie playing football on Saturday morning. Amy was part of a small crowd of cheerers; Amy tried to do what the others were doing; football was new to Amy; but Jimmie was playing.

The young men were not the only ones running about; on the other field young boys were running about – the pre-teens. There was also a crowd of cheerers, mostly parents. There was also a loudmouth, probably also a parent.

He was swearing, he was telling his son what to do, he was calling the referee really nasty names, he was loud. The villagers called him Mr Loudmouth behind his back; they were afraid of him; he was a bully; he hit people. Keep out of his way!

Amy had difficulty watching Jimmie's game because of Mr Loudmouth. Just before halftime Amy strode up to Mr Loudmouth and commanded him:

“Keep quiet! How can we enjoy the game with your continuous swearing and shouting?”

“Young lady, I think you should be the one to hold her lip...”

“Are you calling me out, Mr Loudmouth? I think not, you big, fat, lazy slob on legs.”

He did not like that, one bit. Everyone was watching the two of them now. He rolled up his sleeves – no one had ever threatened him before.

“You gonna hit me?” asked Amy. She stared heavily at him. He growled and walked up to her.

He sat on the grass, removed a shoe, he removed a sock and tried to place his foot in his mouth. The referee whistled halftime and the crowd wandered away to the tea and cake tent.


The game continued, Mr Loudmouth was not to be heard, was he still trying to put his foot in his mouth? Putting your foot in your mouth is not that easy, especially when you are a big, fat, lazy slob on legs. But who cares, Amy didn't.

Big excitement! Jimmie scored the winning goal for his team.


After the game Amy went to the pub. Everybody talked about Mr Loudmouth and how much better life was without him, especially in the pub.

Jimmie entered the pub with the rest of the team and everybody cheered – the village team had won and Jimmie had scored the only and winning goal. Amy shouted in a very strict, motherly voice:

“What have you been doing, James? Just wait until I get you home, you're going to get it, I can tell you.”

Everybody laughed. The men all thought that they too would like Amy to do something to them, why did Jimmie have to be the lucky one? The women all thought that Amy should be as plain and ugly as they were, why did Jimmie get the pretty one?

Jimmie put his arm around Amy and kissed her. “What do you want to do tomorrow, Amy darling?”


Amy and Jimmie took the 3C bus to Bigtown and walked to the canal basin and went on a guided tour. They learnt all about the canal basin, the narrow boats, the warehouses, the coal and the timber and the grain, the boatyard, the wharf and the winding hole.

“Yes, the canal basin is the end of the canal. Coal and manufactured goods came here, grain and timber and wool left here.”

“A winding hole consists of a large “notch” in the canal bank. A turning boat inserts its bow into the notch and swings the stern round using the wind or bargepoles. The clue is the wind for the winding hole.”

Amy and Jimmie decided to walk the ten miles home on the canal towpath.


Halfway home they had the misfortune to meet Suzzie, the policewoman sister of Mr Loudmouth. She recognised Amy as the person who had attacked her dear beloved brother at a football game yesterday.

“I am arresting you for the assault on my brother at the village football ground yesterday. Hold out your hands, I'm going to cuff you.”

Amy laughed. “I didn't do anything, Guv. I never touched him, really not.” Amy crossed her arms and looked down on the policewoman.

Suzzie took a pair of handcuffs from her belt and strode up to Amy “Get your hands out!” Suzzie put her arms around a street lamp post and cuffed herself.

Amy and Jimmie laughed and continued their journey.


They were nearly home when two cars stopped behind them and in front of them. Lots of policemen jumped out and handcuffed themselves to a lamp post.


“The news has been especially bad today, but we have saved this story till last, it may cheer you up. Yes, in the middle of the picture is a street lamp. Watch for the police cars, they stop and eight police jump out and rush to the street lamp and handcuff their arms around the lamp post.”

“First they dance around it this way and then that way. You can see the whole two hours of fun on the internet. A police spokesperson said later that it was an action to raise money for charities.”

“And now for tomorrow's weather...”